Gather ’round my fellow bottom-of-the-barrel trash TV lovers! It’s time for another episode of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!

Let’s get started, as there are a lot of hijinks to cover and only a little bit of time before The Ashley punches a wall Amber-style and yells “I’M DONE (with this stupid show)!”

We kick this dung heap off in Florida, where Mackenzie tells “The Gals” that she has some “exciting and funny news.” 

Dear God. Last time Mack said something “funny” had happened, her kid was dropping dookie in some poor, unsuspecting man’s garage.

Luckily (for the greater Southwestern Florida area), Mackenzie’s news is not poop-related. She tells “The Gals” that she and Khessy have decided to do IVF to try to produce a youngin’. Cheyenne— very clearly holding in a “oh honey nooooo”— contorts her face to try to smile like she’s happy to hear Mack is planning to reproduce again. (Unfortunately for Chey, she ends up just looking constipated….and kind of like she’s got to drop a garage deuce herself.) 

Mack tells the girls that Khessy’s sperm was confirmed to be good after he gooped off into a cup at “da clinic” and had his swimmers tested. 

Super. 

Meanwhile in Michigan, Catelynn doesn’t have time to listen to Mack yammer about Khessy’s cup droppings because she’s wranglin’ her own set of ankle biters. Suited up in a “Mama” hoodie and random-colored hair with side bang (as per usual), Catelynn sits with Tyler and watches their kids run through the house.

Tyler is preparing to take the oldest Not Carly to her first daddy/daughter dance the next day. (Soooo….even though Chelsea and Cole are no longer on this crapfest show, we still are going to have to endure a yearly daddy/daughter dance storyline? Yayy.)

Tyler plans to take Not Carly 1 to a fancy restaurant before the dance. Cate tells Tyler that he has to show their daughters how guys are supposed to treat them when they’re older. (We can assume her sentence should have ended with “…so they don’t end up on a horrible MTV show for two decades of their lives, airing out their dirty laundry for cash.”)

Naturally, the conversation between Cate and Ty drifts immediately to Carly. Tyler wonders if Carly’s parents BrandonNTeresa take Carly to dances and whatnot. Tyler is bummed he doesn’t get to take Actual Carly to a dance, but will make do with doing the Macarena in a school gymnasium with the three Not Carlys instead.

Meanwhile, down ‘er in the holler, Leah is busy poking around for a storyline. She spies one of the girlseseseseses— Aleeah— peacefully doing her homework and decides to pump her for info. Aleeah is not having it and is very clearly trying to get her mom (and her camera crew) to leave her alone.

Leah asks about Aleeah’s “friend circle,” and quickly transitions to asking if Aleeah or any of her friends are humping guys in the back of pickup trucks dating. Aleah admits she’s got herself “a little boyfriend” and Leah is just…cringy.

“Okkkkkkk, you’ve got a little boooooyfriend!” she cackles.

Aleeah looks like she’d rather icepick her own eyes out than have this conversation with her mom and the camera crew. Still, Leah continues to rattle on, saying the same things she’s been saying on-camera to the girlseseseses since they were youngins begging for gas station lunches. Aleeah knows the drill— let Ma talk about how she doesn’t want to be a Granny by 35, and MTV will send them all a nice big check.

Leah asks Aleeah if she has any questions for her about dating. Aleeah looks at Leah like she’s nuts. I mean, maybe Leah— who was three kids and two husbands deep by age 25 and was ready to marry Jaylan The Photoshoot Clown— isn’t the best person to be doling out relationship and dating advice.

That night, Leah calls up Corey to tell him that one of their girlseseses is dating boyseseses. Corey doesn’t seem too concerned, and Leah tells him it’s time to go on down to the doctor and talk about getting Aleah on some ding-dang birth control. 

Meanwhile, Mackenzie excitedly tells “The Gals” that she has purchased a cheer gym that “randomly fell into her lap.” (Um?) Mack says she’s having a big grand opening party to celebrate when the gym opens in a few months. 

In other news, Mackenzie and Khessy are heading to “da clinic” to get their fertility on. They meet with a nervous woman named Brandy who informs Mack that— while doing an IVF cycle— she’ll have to get onto some sort of birth control to help regulate her menstrual cycle. Mack is not happy about that.

“I have to take birth control to get pregnant?” a confused Mackenzie asks.

Mackenzie explains that, in the past, birth control has somehow “canceled” her insulin she takes for her Type 1 diabetes. (Um?) She also claims that the birth control messed with her physically and mentally. Nervous Brandy’s like, “um, yeah, you still gotta take the birth control though.”

She tells Mack that, if all goes well, she would start her IVF injections soon after that. 

“So…there’s a lot of medications involved that all mess with your hormones?” Mack says.

Um….yeah…kind of like actual pregnancy does.

Nervous Brandy looks nervous…and kind of like she is starting to think she’s actually filming for MTV’s Punk’d and not ‘Teen Mom.’ 

“Um…you’re trying to have a baby,” she finally tells Mackenzie. 

Down in Florida, Briana hops on a call with “The Gals” to let them know her mom Roxanne is doing well since heading off to The ‘Hab about three weeks ago.

She reports that Roxy “just sounds more and more better” (yass) each time she speaks to her.

Shortly after, Briana gets a call from Mommy Dearest herself, who is excited to share that she has ended detox, despite thinking that she had another two weeks to go. Roxanne tells Briana that since she stopped “drinking methadone,” she feels better than ever, even though she hasn’t slept in a week. 

I think that’s nice…

Although she’s now on the road to recovery, Roxanne tells Briana she’s frustrated that she was never advised to stop using methadone, a comment that causes both her and Briana to get emotional. After getting off the phone with Roxanne, Briana calls her sister Brittany to tell her their mom is doing amazing in treatment; however, she notes that she’s planning to reach out to Roxanne’s therapist to arrange a session for the three of them to ensure that things are solid before Roxanne returns home. 

Later on, Briana jumps on another call with “The Gals”–- from inside of her closet for some odd reason-– during which she tells them Roxanne’s therapist has reached out to let her know that, despite what Roxanne is claiming, her mom actually isn’t doing well after all. 

DUN.DUN.DUN.

After exiting the closet, Briana takes a phone call from her mom’s therapist who tells her that Roxanne hasn’t been participating in activities at the treatment center. When Briana asks why her mom is being so anti-social at the substance abuse center, Roxanne’s therapist only responds, “I mean, this is ridiculous. She’s not doing anything.” 

The therapist goes on to say that Roxanne is basically just posted up at the treatment center wrapped in a blanket and sporting one hell of a bad mood.

The therapist–- whose credentials we may or may not be questioning at this point–- also tells Briana that she’s handling Roxanne’s very bad mood by “just ignoring her” because she’s “not gonna deal with that.” 

Briana proceeds to feign surprise that Roxanne has been lying…again.

Later on, she reveals that her mom’s “therapist” suggested she and Brittany have a video appointment with Roxanne to figure out why Roxy is going all “Amber” at the treatment center. Before hopping on the call, Briana asks Brittany if there’s anything in particular that she wants to say to their mom during the session and Brittany immediately replies, “Yeah, I don’t like her.”  

Unfortunately for us tea-loving viewers, Briana and Brittany do not want their therapy session with Roxanne to be filmed; however, we are gifted a couple of audio clips in which Brittany can be heard exchanging some less-than pleasantries with her mom, whom she says is “selfish” and has “never been a good parent.” 

After leaving the conversation–- and the room-– Brittany tells Producer Vicky that she told Roxanne how she felt…and how she felt was that she didn’t “give a f**k” about Roxy’s “breathing exercises or her motherf**king trauma.” 

“I don’t want you in my life if you’re gonna keep up the motherf**king bulls**t! That’s what I said!” Brittany adds.

Twenty minutes after Brittany’s grand exit, Briana emerges from her bedroom, visibly shaken up by the therapy session and her mom and sister’s inability to get along. Briana tells Producer Vicky that herself, Roxanne and Brittany have a “toxic triangle” going on and that it needs to stop, mostly for the sake of her kids. She also reveals that, while she and Brittany had an hour to talk to their mom, Roxanne hung up 30 minutes into the call– presumably not because she wanted to score a good seat at art therapy class that afternoon.

Next, we head up to Maci’s house in Tennessee, which is looking more and more like a candidate for an episode of Hoarders as the seasons go by. Speaking of mess, while traipsing through discount Things That Matter merch and assorted Oopsie Babies, Maci pops a squat on the stairs to take a FaceTime call from Mimi Jen, who invites her to lunch the following day with Ryan’s girlfriend Amanda.

Maci tells Jen she’ll be there, assuming she can find a clear path to her front door. 

Maci tells Beer Taylor she’s looking forward to getting to know Amanda better, to which Beer Taylor says it ought to be “interesting.”

Beer Taylor then asks Maci if she knew Amanda before Amanda started banging her first baby daddy in the halfway house, and Maci notes that she and Amanda were in class together back when she was knocked up by none other than Ryan Christopher himself. We then see a clip from Maci’s 16 and Pregnant episode in which a young Amanda is lovingly admiring Maci’s underage baby bump in school.

Beer Taylor notes that Ryan has “come a long way in the last year.” (To be fair, the bar is literal hell in terms of Ryan’s actions, so anything has to be “up” from where he was a year ago.) Surprisingly, Beer Taylor even says he’s cool with his kids being around Ryan despite the “bad decisions” Ryan has made. 

We then head over to Amanda and Ryan’s love shack, where Amanda tells Ryan she wants Maci to like her and be comfortable around her. She also says it’s important for Maci to get to know her outside of what she’s read about her online. 

Amanda says she’s nervous and wants a friendship with Maci for various reasons, especially since she’s Ryan’s baby mama. (Maci’s “friendship” also comes with the ability to make a fat paycheck and get your mug on The TV, so there’s that…)

Back in Michigan, it’s the day of Not Carly 1’s “Daddy/Daughter Dance.” Tyler is getting all suited up in a child’s sized dress shirt and blazer. He even puts on his “good tie” (the one that was previously reserved for weddings and/or Butch‘s various court dates.) Catelynn is helping Not Carly 1 get gussied up for the big dance. (For some reason, she’s using a crimping iron from the 1980s. I’m sure ol’ April had a lot of smoky black-out nights back in ’89 after getting her crimp on with that thing!) 

Meanwhile, Tyler is sitting there yammering about how great it would have been to take Actual Carly on the daddy/daughter date. 

Um…I realize that the producer is probably prompting Tyler to talk about this but damn. Let the Lil’ Not Carly have her day without having to hear about her damn sister! I’m sure it was edited to be this way, but this scene really played out like Nova was the “Great Value” option to take to the dance because Tyler couldn’t take the brand-name Carly.

Nova is thrilled for the dance, and Tyler even arrives at the door as her “date.” It’s actually very cute. They pose for photos and then head to the dance.

Once they go to dinner, Nova grills Tyler and wants to know why he was jamming his pre-teen tongue in Cate’s mouth when they were only 14. Tyler says it’s because they liked each other. Nova says she’s fine with the underage smooching because, after all, if teenage Ty and Cate had ventured onto itsyoursexlife.com like they were supposed to, no one would have an MTV contract right now and they’d all probably be living in a house with Butch that was lit by candelabras and/or meth pipes.

MTV cameras are not invited into the dance, but Tyler captures some video on his phone. When they arrive home, Tyler reports to Cate that there weren’t a lot of dads other than him “movin’ and groovin'” on the dancefloor, as he sashays through the kitchen.

Nova and Tyler talk about how much fun they had at the dance.

In Florida, Mackenzie and Khessy are talking about how going through IVF and opening a new gym is going to be a lot for Mack. She’s also concerned that the birth control she has to take will make her go “so crazy” that Khessy splits. Khessy assures her that he won’t pull “a Josh” and peace out if Mack’s crazy emerges. 

She later tells the cameras that she’s planning to go to an endocrinologist to discuss her options for pregnancy and IVF with diabetes. 

Over in The WV, Leah decides to take another crack at embarrassing the girlseses. She tells them that, now that they’re 14, they need to find a gynecologist. Both girlseses look like they want to die of embarrassment. It’s one thing to talk to your mom about this, but knowing that this convo is going to be blasted to the whole world for their entertainment is just….

I can’t.

Ali makes sure Leah knows that she doesn’t currently have a boyfriend, but the news brings her no reprieve from Leah’s gynecological storyline. Leah begins to talk about “heavy flows” and “light flows” and I can see the blood “flowing” to the twinseseses’ red faces. 

Leah admits that she can be over the top with the sex education, mainly because her own Mama didn’t educate her as a teen. (I predict that ol’ Mama Dawn’s idea of “sex ed” was telling Leah to carry two quarters with her in case she needed to buy a condom from the machine in the men’s room at the gas station. 

All jokes aside, kudos to Leah for trying to finally break the cycle of teen pregnancy in her family. (But…maybe next time do it off-camera?)

Later on, Leah picks up her youngest youngin, Addie, who has absolutely no chill….and I love it.

“Why does it stink in here!?” Addie asks Leah as soon as she gets into the car.

Leah informs Addie that today is the day her big sisters have to go to the gynecologist. (JESUS GOD LEAH please tell me that MTV isn’t going to film these poor girls going into the gyno.)

Leah tells the girlseses that they won’t be in the stirrups today, and they’ll just be there to chit-chat with the Doc. 

Thankfully, the scene cuts out and the girlseses get to talk about their underage hoo-has in private with their doctor. Later, at the house, Leah checks in about the appointments, and is surprised to hear that Aleeah already knew most of the stuff she heard at the doctor’s office. She says that it was Leah who told her, and not their school.

Aleeah seems thankful that her mom has been yammering about sex ed for years, even if it was on-camera. She also feels bad for the girls who don’t have a mom who talks about that stuff with them.

Leah tells the girlseses that they need to get out there and change the ding-damn laws that keep holler girls in the dark about their hoo-has and health and whatnot. Leah tells Aleeah to look up “female lawmakers” and then tells her to send her a message about all of the laws they want changed. Aleeah does as she’s told.

Later, Leah tells us that having sex education in school could have saved her from being a teen mom. 

“There were dreams that I had that didn’t happen because I had an unplanned pregnancy,” she tells the cameras.

Back in Tennessee, Maci meets Amanda and Jen for lunch. Once the alcoholic beverages are flowing (for everyone but Amanda), Maci and Amanda begin swapping stories from their days at “adult high school.” (I think that’s code for “school for knocked up broads and bad kids.”)

Amanda says she ended up at Outcast High after getting kicked out of her regular high school for drugs, fighting, getting arrested, etc. “at a young age.” 

As you do…

Amanda says that, while it took her a long time to learn her lesson, she’s sober now and it’s important for her to stay that way. Maci tells Amanda she should be very proud of herself and assures her that she doesn’t judge her for her past.  

After realizing she should probably contribute more to this lunch than a stunned face, Jen pipes up to tell Amanda that, while she didn’t initially approve of or understand Amanda and Ryan’s relationship, she’s had a change of heart. 

Later on, back at the McKinney’s Messy Manor, Maci actually makes an effort to declutter a very small portion of what appears to be a countertop, though she quickly abandons the task to sit down and tell Beer Taylor how her lunch with Amanda and Jen went. 

Maci tells Beer Taylor she approves of Amanda and Ryan’s rehab-born relationship, despite the fact that they should’ve held off on dating due them both being in recovery. Beer Taylor notes that things are going so well for both Amanda and Ryan, that it would be devastating for one– or both– of them to have a setback at this point. Maci admits that the thought causes her to worry a little bit, but says it’s out of her control so she isn’t going to let it consume her. 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ 

To catch up on more of The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter’ recaps, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)