Welcome back to Teen Mom Trashville, my crappy TV loving friends! This week on Teen Mom: The Next Chapter, we’re dealing with one granny being sent to the Big House, another granny leaving their rehab house and one baby daddy still refusing to marry his baby mama, no matter how many Oopsie Babies of his she pops out.

So…basically it’s basically ‘Teen Mom’ business as usual, ya know? 

(This episode was actually even more-boring than watching Amber pick lint off her couch, but The Ashley will do her best to make it sound semi-interesting for you guys.)

This episode kicks off in Florida where Briana is hanging out with her pal–who is allegedly named “Shirley”– and “Shirley’s” daughter, aka “Small Shirley.” (Again, The Ashley maintains that no person under age 75 is named Shirley; therefore, The Ashley believes it’s an alias that this chick chose because she’s embarrassed to have her real name on this crapheap of a TV show.)

Briana tells “Shirley” that Roxanne is finally coming home from The ‘Hab and that Brittany is counting down their final moments of peace before her arrival. (As we all know, once all three corners of the triangle that is the DeJesus Coven are present, madness ensues!)

Briana says she doesn’t want to be put in the middle of Roxy and Brittany’s nonsense, but if she has to be, the MTV cameras might as well be around to capture the Kodak moment in all its “Jerry Springer”-esque glory! (Someone hide the red pumps! Actually, on second thought, don’t…) 

According to Briana, the facility Roxanne was in didn’t provide any steps for the family to take to help Roxanne going forward, though she was made aware that her mom “suffered bad being on heroin” from a young age. Briana tells “Shirley” she’s scared that her mom will resort to something else now that she’s kicked her methadone addiction, or even turn back to opioids.

She also says she needs to see for herself how Roxanne is doing before she allows Nova and Stella to be around her, despite how much her kids have missed their grandma. 

Later on, Briana tells the girls that Roxanne is homeward bound, but that they won’t be seeing her today. Nova asks if she can come with Briana to the airport, but Bri says she’ll be going solo when she fetches the freshly ‘habbed Roxy. The girls seem entirely unfazed by this news, much to Bri’s dismay. (The producer who is most-likely standing on the sidelines praying the girls can squeeze out a few tears for dramatic effect is also probably disappointed.) 

Next, we see Briana pull up to the airport to collect her shoe-throwing (and now sober) mom– sans Brittany, who said, “I think the hell not” opted not to come along. After Briana snags Roxanne from the pickup line, Roxanne talks about how hard treatment was for her. 

Briana tells her mom she’s proud of her and Roxanne shares her post-treatment plan, which includes seeing a therapist. 

Next we HIGH-tail it up to Indiana, where Jade is dealing with her own mama druggin’ drama. While she’s keeping herself busy wranglin’ dogs and her daughter Kl-oh!-ie, Jade also has to worry about Christy possibly going to jail for an old marijuana charge. Jade is hopeful that “The Law” will just give Christy house-arrest, though.

Tale as old as time… I mean, is it even a ‘Teen Mom’ episode if somebody isn’t waiting to find out if they’ll be given house arrest or jail? 

Later, Jade’s dad calls her up to let her know how Christy’s court hearing went. Unfortunately for Jade, Christy’s hearing can be described the same as someone would describe this show: BAD.

Jade’s dad says that Christy was hauled off to jail, and was “hysterically crying” when she found out she was going to the clink.

Christy will be locked up for 60-something days, and Jade and her dad both hope this is the last time Christy will be living that “three hots and a cot” life because she’s getting a little long-in-the-tooth to be in jail.

Jade is not surprised that her mom is back behind bars but is having trouble processing that an “adult” in her life has yet again screwed up so badly that they have to be caged. Jade tells us this has been happening her whole life, so it’s not really new to her. She is thankful, however, that she has used Christy & Co.’s massive f**k-ups to show her what not to do with her own daughter, Chhhloiii. 

When we check in with Cheyenne this episode, we find her kicking back in her MTV-funded mansion and chatting with “The Gals” about her baby daddiiii. According to Cheyenne, Zach remains unemployed and uninterested in doing anything that requires him to leave home. Or, you know…work. 

The Ashley will give you a moment to get over the shock of reading that.

While Zack has gone all “Amber Portwood” and is probably one step away from spending his days lying on the couch with a giant stuffed sloth, Chey says her other baby daddy, Cory, is the opposite. He won’t stay home. In fact, Cory is gearing up to lose on The Challenge for what seems like the 283th time. 

Cheyenne tells “The Gals” she hopes Ryder will handle Cory’s absence better this time around than she has in the past. In an effort to make that happen, Cheyenne says they’ve decided to switch things up and arrange for her, Zach and Ryder to fly out to see Cory’s wife er… fiancé um… girlfriend Taylor, who will be in Seattle with her daughters, visiting family while Cory is away.  

Later, Cory and Taylor talk about the trip to Seattle and Taylor admits to Cory that she “feels embarrassed” when people ask her where her husband is. Cory then suggests that Taylor do what he does in those situations and “just lie” and tell people that he’s married.  

This man then has the audacity to tell Taylor that he lies about being married to her for her sake, out of respect!

THE.ACTUAL.AUDACITY.

“Just because you don’t have a ring yet, doesn’t mean that you’re not my wife,” Cory tells Taylor.

Um…it actually does Cory. She’s literally just one of your baby momiii at this point.

Bless Taylor’s heart. If The Ashley had been in her situation, ol’ Cory would still be picking my acrylic nails out of his damn eyeballs after that comment.

Next, we head to West Virginia where Leah is taking Ali to a doctor’s appointment and, in typical Leah fashion, she’s running late. She isn’t, however, struggling to find her keys/driving a mobile storage unit/denying her children breakfast/unknowingly cruising around with a cat in the backseat, so…progress.

On the way to the appointment, Leah lectures Ali about pushing herself physically, something Ali assures her mom that she isn’t doing. Leah tells viewers that, while Ali has made tremendous progress in the years since she was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy, Ali doesn’t really like to use her wheelchair now that she’s a teenager and “wants to fit in.”

Instead, Leah says Ali often relies on her mom and sisters to help her. 

The next day, Leah meets up with her sister Victoria (who has managed to get some time away from her litter of kids) to chat and snarf down some free food at one of West Virginia’s finest eatin’ establishments.

Leah tells her sister that Ali is refusing to use her wheelchair, and that she doesn’t want Aleeah to feel responsible for her sister and wants Ali to recognize that she can’t always depend on Aleeah, either. 

Leah and Victoria talk about the fact that Ali doesn’t like to talk about having muscular dystrophy. Victoria gives her niece credit for her “stubbornness and willpower,” but says Ali will be even more of an inspiration when she accepts her diagnosis. Leah wants Ali to be more self-reliant. 

Back in Florida, Briana tells her mom they need to come up with a plan so that Roxanne isn’t by herself all the time, with Roxanne agreeing that “isolation is bad.” She also tells Briana it’s important that she stay on her mood stabilizers, because they were helping her in treatment; however, she questions if they’ll continue to help her now that she’s home.

Roxanne then recalls the emotions that came out in treatment due to her PTSD, which Briana tells her was probably a good thing. 

Roxanne tells Briana that, given her traumatic past, she’s so grateful that Nova and Stella are protected and grateful that she was able to somewhat protect Briana and Brittany from such a messy life.

Um….? Your daughter is famous because she was heels up under the bleachers with Devoin, who knocked her up…right after your other daughter got knocked up and had an abortion. Daughter 1 then proceeded to get knocked up again— this time by a dude whose only talents include sperminating people in clubs and avoiding parental responsibilities. Not so sure you should be patting yourself on your back for “protecting” your daughters from a trauma- and drama-filled life, Roxy.

The next day, Briana meets up with Brittany to confirm that the new-and-improved Roxanne has arrived. Despite Briana hyping Roxy up, Brittany says she still feels like it’s too soon for her to forgive and forget. When Briana tells her that she’s planning to take Nova and Stella to see Roxanne later that day, Brittany says she hopes the girls can be Roxanne’s “saving grace” and can make her want to continue getting better. 

When Briana takes the girls to see their grandma, they greet Roxanne with hugs and flowers. Nova asks to hear the “funny stories” Roxanne apparently has from her time at the treatment center, which seemingly took place on some sort of farm. Um…?

Roxanne tells the girls she could never hack it long-term living like Old MacDonald, mostly due to the bugs and the horses that like to bite people.

Back in Los Angeles, Cory has headed out to snag another ‘Challenge’ L, so Cheyenne calls up Taylor to start planning the trip to Seattle. Before their trip, Ryder is able to FaceTime Cory from ‘The Challenge’ house and, more importantly, let him know that she’s expecting a pink Gucci bag if comes home with a win. 

File that request under: “Things that Cory Wharton will not be purchasing”– right under Taylor’s engagement ring. 

The following week, Cheyenne, Zach and their kids arrive at their Airbnb in Seattle and Taylor and Ryder’s sisters come over for a visit.

How nice Zach was able to get some time off work to go on the trip! 

Oh…wait.

While at the Airbnb, Cheyenne and Taylor talk about how things have been since the group trip for Teen Mom Family Reunion– the trip on which Cory complained, consumed lots of alcohol and continuously contested the concept of marriage. Cheyenne mentions Cory’s claim of never having seen a healthy marriage, to which Taylor points out that both of Cory’s parents are happily married today, even if it’s not to each other. 

Taylor says Cory should want to be in a healthy marriage to set the example for their kids that he didn’t have growing up. Taylor and Cheyenne both believe that Cory is fully committed to Taylor, but they also agree that he’s comfortable how things are and needs to step it up.

Like, way up. 

Taylor says her sadness about her and Cory’s situation has turned to anger as of late and she admits that she’s going to get to a point where she doesn’t care anymore, which is honestly what Cory is probably banking on.

Later on, Cheyenne, Zach and Taylor get the kids together to hang out again and during their outing, they get a call from Cory. While the kids– including Ace– are eager to squeeze their little mugs into the camera shot, Mila gets upset and hides under the table. After some encouragement– or possibly, Ryder mentioning that pink Gucci bags may be in their future– Mila hops on the call to say hello.

Um…who’s gonna tell those kids?

Next, we head to another Jade scene. They’re playing the sad music they always play when one of these peoples’ parents end up in the slammer. (I like to refer to it as “The Butch Musical Collection.”)

Jade’s dad (who is, for some reason, wandering around in a shirt that says “D.A.D.D. Dads Against Daughters Dating”) is distraught because, now that Christy has been thrown in jail, they are no longer able to sign the lease on their new love nest. (I guess it’s back to the trusty van with an air mattress in the back?) 

Jade is allowing her father to stay with her, Sean and Klowiii while Christy’s in the clink.

Later, we are actually treated to a video call from Christy— straight from the slammer! She’s all suited up in her finest jailhouse yellows and ranting about how it’s a “hard pill to swallow” to have to answer for a five-year-old drug charge, especially when she’s 15 months clean. 

“It’s a hard pill to swallow!” Christy says again.

Christy says that the jail’s accommodations are less-than-pleasing to her, now that she’s old enough to care. She’s unhappy with the thickness of her bedroll. (Her “cootie” is basically touching a metal bed rail, y’all!) 

Christy says that even her, um, ample body padding hasn’t helped.

“You would think that the more cushion you have, the less bruises you have, but, no baby, that is not it!” Christy insists.

The more you know…

Christy is managing to stay positive, though, telling Jade that she just wants to get this jail time completed so she never has to worry about it again.

Before the call ends, Christy says hello to Qloiiiie, who is told that Granny is in the “doctor place for work.” Somehow the kid doesn’t seem to catch on that Christy’s actually in jail. 

Meanwhile in The WV, Leah tells “The Gals” about Ali’s anti-wheelchair phase and then sits down with Aleeah to hear her take on the situation. Aleeah says Ali is aware that she can’t do certain things, and it hurts her to see her sister struggle. Aleeah agrees with Leah that Ali doesn’t like to use her wheelchair because it makes her feel different, to which Leah suggests they find a balance between helping Ali and allowing her to be independent.

After her talk with Aleeah, Leah heads up to Ali’s room to bring her some water– a request that she received from Ali via walkie-talkie. 

Leah proceeds to talk to Ali about the high school she’ll be attending soon, reminding her that she won’t be able to enter the school through the main doors, presumably due to a lack of wheelchair access. Ali tells Leah she’s “walked further than that before” and therefore, won’t need to use her wheelchair when school starts. Ali also assures her mom that she hasn’t had a fall in a long time, though Leah tells her that “doesn’t mean it’s not possible” that it will happen. 

Leah reminds Ali that overexerting herself can end up weakening her muscles faster, but Ali insists she knows to sit down and take a break when she gets tired. Leah tells Ali that she’s stepping back on the issue and that Ali can speak to her doctor about her insistence on forgoing her wheelchair. 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom’ recap, click here!

(Photos: MTV)