David Eason is busy fryin’ up some roadside critter for a special dinner, Kail Lowry‘s writing to Santa to tell him about all her baby daddies who deserve to be on the Naughty List, and at least one Teen Mom baby daddy is clanking his spoon to tune of “Jingle Bells” on his jail cell’s bars.
This can only mean one thing: the holidays have arrived!
The Ashley, being the helpful lil elf that she is, has once again put together a list of ‘Teen Mom’-themed gifts that are sure to bring a smile to the face of anyone pathetic enough to still be watching this show after 900 spinoffs and 17,000 seasons. Even if your finances “are not well” you can still pick a “more-classier” gift for that special someone you love, whether it be your fourth baby daddy, your public defender or that special bathroom booty call who gave you chlamydia!
Here are The Ashley’s Top 10 ‘Teen Mom’ gift picks! (Just a note: this is not a sponsored post in any way. The Ashley does not receive any sort of kickback or money for recommending these items; she just genuinely thinks they are funny, and she supports small businesses!)
Jenelle’s “Recryner” Sticker
Got a friend who needs to jazz up their Stanley? Want to make their laptop a bit “more-classier?” Why not purchase this sticker featuring Jenelle crying in her recliner (or, as it has affectionately been named, her “re-cry-ner?”) As you may remember, Jenelle– an actual adult woman— recently set up her phone, then promptly scurried to her recliner, propped her orthopedic slippers into their air and filmed herself crying…then posted it to The Interwebs.
Your pal can relive this Kodak crying moment again and again if you buy them this sticker. (It even comes in holographic form, for that “seeing molecules” feel!)
Buy your Jenelle “Recryner” Sticker here!
Teen Mom Bingo Card
For that friend who has everything— except a life!— consider this exciting ‘Teen Mom’ Bingo game! Now that old seasons of the shows are on streaming services, you can relive those special early ‘Teen Mom’ moments in a fun way! With a variety of cards, you and your friends can watch the show together, while crossing off squares any time one of the things on your board happens on-screen. With fun squares such as “Chelsea makes goo-goo eyes at a piece of s**t” (holla, Adam!) to “Jenelle evades jail time yet again,” you’ll have more on-the-couch fun than Amber herself!
Order your ‘Teen Mom’ Bingo cards here!
Words of Advice From Catelynn Lowell’s Mom April
Got a family member in need of some words of wisdom? You’re in luck! Catelynn’s mom April is ready and willing to shell out advice via her Cameo page. For the small price of $25, April will personally record a message for a lucky video recipient. (It’s unknown if she charges extra to clear the room of Virginia Slim ciggie smoke before recording.)
“You’ll have the chance to customize your request for April Brockmiller, like asking them to mention inside jokes, share words of wisdom, or work in their signature catchphrases,” April’s Cameo bio reads, adding that April is willing to offer advice, give a pep talk or even roast your loved one. (If you throw in an extra $5 she’ll probably tell you that your choice of prom dress is ugly!)
Order your personalized Cameo from April here!
‘Teen Mom’ Mugshot Mini Dress
Does your bestie need something to wear for New Year’s Eve? Gift them this gorgeous dress, complete with a collection of some of ‘Teen Mom’ stars’ finest mugshots! This “muggy mini” frock will not only show off that brand-new Dr. Miami BBL, but will also allow everyone around the wearer to be reminded of some of the most-beloved ‘Teen Mom’ “gel” trips!
Made of the finest polyester blend, the dress also places the mugshots over the wearer’s belly, helping them to conceal a surprise pregnancy, if necessary! (This is great for any friend who banged a DJ in the bathroom at ‘da club’ on Halloween and is now in their first trimester!)
Get your ‘Teen Mom’ Muggy Mini Dress here!
A Lifesize Cutout of Farrah Abraham Dressed Like a Dominatrix Detective…or something.
What will delight Granny more than seeing Farrah under the tree this year? Order this life-sized cardboard cutout of Farrah and your Grandma Fran will feel like she just stepped on the set of ‘Backdoor Teen Mom!’ For some reason, Farrah comes dressed in the finest pleather detective coat, making this a gift that says, “I will solve that crime…even though I’m not wearing anything under this coat!”
Farrah is also sporting one of the many faces she’s used in the past, making this the perfect nostalgic gift for anyone in the family! (Why does The Ashley feel like Farrah herself is the only other person who has ordered this?)
Order your cardboard Farrah here!
Angry Barbara Evans Leggings
For that spunky pal on your holiday gift list, why not purchase these leggings, featuring our Barbara yelling at her “bitch of a daughta” and her “lyin’ hustla booooyfriend,” Jenelle and Kieffer, for being “High! High!” Barb, wearing a sassy animal print shirt, looks positively “fua-rious” that she’s caught that no good Jenelle once again smokin’ the reefa.
These leggings are offered in sizes XXS to XL, and are suitable to wear for your “me time” at the gym, or any parole hearing!
Grab a pair of angry Barbara leggings here!
A “Kiss” From Debz OG
Tell your pals to pucker up, because Debz OG has a big kiss for them this holiday season!
For some reason, Farrah’s mom is selling crystal lips bottle stoppers on her website. They are perfect for the wino on your holiday gift list who gets kicked out of parties they aren’t invited to! These crystal lips are also signed by the international rap superstar herself! They are available in red, pink and clear, and only $20!
Get a smooch from Deb here!
“Jesus God Leah” Necktie
Is your brother preparing to interview for a job over at the holler gas station? Does Dad have an important probation meeting coming up? Buy them this spiffy tie and get them all gussied up! Featuring Corey Simms’ infamous “Jesus God Leah” catchphrase (along with some bacon strips, which is Leah’s other ex-husband, Jeremy Calvert‘s favorite “face slappin’ meat”), this tie will certainly put its wearer on the road to success! It tells everyone around you, “I’m here because I legally have to be.”
Purchase your “Jesus God Leah” tie here!
Farrah Tantrum Onesie
Are you raising the next Farrah Abraham? (May the Jesus God Leah be with you, if so.) Perhaps this baby onesie– complete with an infamous quote from the Number One Celebrity In Our Nation— is the right gift!
The baby onesie is available in several colors and features a Farrah quote from the early days of ‘Teen Mom OG’: “I’m not getting what I want and it’s really annoying!”
All the babies in your life will rejoice (and then turn into Farrah-like ingrates) once they suit up in this onesie!
Get the Farrah tantrum onesie here!
“Butch” Necklace
For the Butch fan in your life, allow The Ashley to present this beautiful necklace! Let them show their support for everyone’s favorite ‘Teen Mom’ felon grandfather this holiday season! Perfect to wear to the office Christmas party, this silver necklace comes in various lengths, so it can be still be seen, no matter how long your salt-and-pepper rattail is! (Yes, The Ashley is very aware that this necklace is not actually designed to be worn by people who are fans of Tyler’s dad but…let me have this, OK?)
Order your BUTCH necklace here!
To see The Ashley’s list of weird ‘Teen Mom’ themed gifts from last year, click here! To see her gift list from 2022, click here!
(Photos: Etsy; MTV; YouTube; Redbubble; Zazzle)
