Note: The Ashley is aware that this recap of the first episode of Season 2B is as late as Briana’s period after a bathroom bang in “da club” with Luis, but she will be attempting to recap all of this season’s episode. The recap for this week’s episode will be posted soon.

Here we are again, my fellow trash-TV lovers. A new season of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter is upon us. 

Let’s all take a moment to mourn all the moments of our lives that we have devoted to watching these dysfunctional degenerates over the last 16 years. Sigh. We could have been out changing the world, but instead we spent our time watching Amber complain and Maci drink beer.

SIGH.

We kick things off in Tennessee where we find Maci, Taylor, Bentley and the Oopsie Babies doing a (not-at-all staged) family balance board competition.

After dismissing her family from their nightly circus activity, Maci sits down to talk to Bentley about his upcoming 16th birthday. Bentley tells his mom he wants to invite a couple friends and family, including Ryan and Ryan’s future-third-baby-mama Amanda. Maci tells Bentley it’s “symbolic” that she and Ryan have patched things up in time for their son’s Sweet 16.

It’s nice that he’s no longer threatening to shoot up your house, ya know?

Over at Ryan and Amanda’s apartment, the couple look at sonogram photos of their baby– something Ryan is completely bewildered by, despite already fathering a handful of children. He can’t believe how tiny unborn babies are…and stuff. Of course, Ryan used to be too busy getting HIGH! HIGH! and being a royal pain in the State of Tennessee’s criminal division’s ass to do any of this stuff when any of his other  existing kids were born.

Ryan tells Amanda it feels good be sober and on the right path, especially given that Bentley has spent most of his childhood worrying about him and what kind of shenanigans he’d get into next. Amanda agrees, and also gives Taylor some credit (we’re glad someone is!) for being someone that Bentley has in his life to look up to while Ryan was running the streets, banging randos and chasing the white dragon. 

Later on, Ryan and Amanda head to Maci and Taylor’s house to eat some food and talk about the plans for Bentley’s birthday. Upon entering the house, Maci asks the happy couple to “ignore the mess,” which is seemingly what she and Taylor do on a regular basis, judging by the constant state of disarray in which they live. Ryan tells Maci and Taylor how “pretty” their messy house is, saying this is the first time he has ever been invited into Casa de Maci.

As the forgive-and-forget foursome shovel diner food in their mouths, Maci tells Ryan and Amanda about the glow-in-the-dark golf party she wants to throw for Bentley, as well as the Jeep she and Taylor are thinking about getting him. Maci tells Ryan he isn’t obligated to throw down any cash for Bentley’s set of wheels, but Ryan offers to contribute some of his parents’ money anyway. 

Before saying their goodbyes, Maci expresses some concerns about Bentley being old enough to drive, but Ryan seems less worried, assuring her that Bentley will be fine as long as he doesn’t drink and drive.

However, Maci mentions that with this new freedom, Bentley could also end up getting someone pregnant. Maci and Ryan somehow manage to laugh off the idea of either scenario happening, though Maci notes that she hopes Bentley keeps playing golf and stays out of trouble. 

Later on, Maci, Taylor, Ryan and Amanda head out to the car dealership to look at a Jeep for Bentley. During the car ride, Ryan asks Maci if she plans to let Bentley “run wild” at 16 like she did, to which Maci replies, “not really.” 

After a staged car purchase at the dealership, Maci, Amanda and Ryan leave the lot in Bentley’s new ride while Taylor drives Maci’s Jeep solo to pick up the Oopsie Babies from school. 

Over in Las Vegas, Ashley’s estranged husband Bar is still locked up in the slammer, leaving her to fly solo on the parenting front. After getting her daughter Holly to the bus stop, Ashley prepares to head to the courthouse for Bar’s arraignment along with her mom, Tea, who has thrown on her best Sesame Street T-shirt for the occasion.  

As you do…

Before going to the courthouse, Ashley tells her mom she’s worried that Bar won’t take a plea deal and his case will end up going to trial, meaning that she’ll have to testify in court. 

As if Ashley doesn’t have enough to worry about at the moment, Tea decides to use the Uber ride to the courthouse as an opportunity to share some words of encouragement with her daughter– words that Ashley is very uninterested in hearing. 

After a quick trip into the courthouse, Ashley and Tea hop into another Uber and Ashley reveals that the arraignment didn’t go how she wanted and Bar ended up pleading not guilty to all of the charges he’s facing, meaning that she’ll unfortunately have to testify in front of a jury. 

Ashley also reveals that she’s worried for Bar as his case goes to trial, telling her mom that she knows the court will try to “spank” him for his wrongdoings.

Um…?

Tea asks if she’s suffering from Stockholm syndrome and “identifying with her abuser.” Before Ashley can respond, Tea encourages her to “work on that,” as Ashley begins to get emotional in the Uber. 

Ashley later tells viewers that she’s trying to cover all of her bases so that Holly doesn’t feel the absence of her dad, noting that Holly is aware that Bar is in jail, but doesn’t know why he was locked up. Ashley claims the situation has left her feeling “stretched paper-thin” and “holding on for dear life,” not unlike this show. 

Next, we head to Los Angeles to check in with Cheyenne, where we’re immediately met with a TikTok-dancing Ryder, who is very clearly following in her dad Cory’s camera-loving footsteps. Cheyenne frustratedly drops a negative pregnancy test in the trash can and reminds viewers that she and Zach are still trying to create more mini-influencers to unleash into the world. 

Cheyenne tells Zach– who is still allegedly “working with her dad”– that she’s yet to secure their Season 17 storyline and that she’s trying not to get frustrated over the situation, nor does she want to keep talking about it. 

The next day, Zach throws on a business casual polo before heading off to “work.” Before he leaves to clock in at his noon-1:30-ish 9-5 job, Cheyenne tells him she’s annoyed that she told people they were trying to have another baby, because now she feels like it’s not happening. In response, Zach proposes that they go to Vegas for the weekend and potentially “get lucky.” 

Because Zach’s “get lucky” line didn’t make it clear (or cringe) enough, Cheyenne confirms that her husband is taking her to Las Vegas to have sex. Cheyenne says she’s down for the Sin City sex vacation and with that, Zach leaves for “work”– aka, hops in his car, does a few laps around the neighborhood and waits for Cheyenne to call him once producers have left and the coast is clear. Probably.

While Zach is (probably) camped out in his car around the corner, his boss, Cheyenne’s dad Kyle, stops by to talk to her about Zach and his new “job.” Kyle claims that he’s not trying to “dump” a lot of work on Zach, but that he wants to “put him on a fast track”– to what, we’ll never know. Nor will Zach, probably.  

After talking about Zach’s performance at work, Cheyenne segues to a discussion on Zach’s performance in the bedroom, reminding her dad that she and Zach are humping like rabbits in the hopes of giving him another grandchild. Kyle says he’s praying for them, but not nearly as hard as he’s praying for her to stop making him think about his daughter’s sex life.

Cheyenne tells Kyle about the trip to Las Vegas and says she’s thinking of reaching out to Ashley while she’s in town, despite their rocky past. Cheyenne says she’s been keeping up with Bar’s legal issues and thinks Ashley could use a friend at the moment. (Or, ya know, someone to film with who isn’t Tea.) She also gives her dad a rundown on Bar and the wild summer he and his four eyebrows had. 

Cheyenne reminds viewers that she’s attempted to reach out to Ashley before, but that Ashley wasn’t receptive to her offer to make amends. However, Cheyenne says that after seeing everything that Ashley’s dealing with right now, she feels bad and wants to try again. 

Sure, Jan…

Kyle encourages Cheyenne to make a call to Ashley when she gets to Las Vegas and Cheyenne says she’ll think about it, despite fearing that Ashley will respond to her efforts by blasting her online for reaching out.  

The next day, Cheyenne and Zach sit by the pool and talk about their Vegas plans and Cheyenne possibly reaching out to Ashley while they’re in town. Zach thinks it’s a good idea for Cheyenne to check in on Ashley. Zach even assures Cheyenne that he’s fine being left on his own if the two decide to meetup, telling Cheyenne he’ll just hang out and gamble while she’s gone. 

Later on, Cheyenne and Zach fly to Las Vegas and upon their arrival, Cheyenne steps into one of the rooms in her, umm…vintage hotel suite to call Ashley, who surprisingly doesn’t send her straight to voicemail. Unfortunately, we have to wait until next week to find out how their presumably forced conversation played out. 

Finally, we head on down ‘er to the holler to see what Leah is up to. The twinseseseses are busy cookin’ up some vittles or whatnot, when Leah strolls in and suddenly notices a big ring on the finger of Aleeah. Leah (possibly thinking that Aleeah rummaged through her dresser drawer and pulled out her engagement ring from Corey….or Jeremy….or Jaylan) asks Aleeah where she got the ding-dern ring.

“My little boooooooyfriend got it!” Aleeah says proudly.

Aleeah’s sister Ali isn’t a huge fan of “Little Booooyfriend,” due to the fact that he didn’t ask her opinion on the ring.

Leah offers to take the twinseses shopping for clothes, since they’re about to start high school. Aleeah presents the fried-up vittles to her mom and sister, who determine them to be “not bad.”

Later, Leah takes the twinseseses to a super-fancy boutique. Apparently after 16 years of airing out their dirty laundry for the TV, the girlseses have the money to buy their clothes at a store whose name doesn’t end in “Mart.” (Leah drapes her cardigan over her shoulders to look sophisticated in the shop.)

The twinseses collect clothes to try on and then head to the dressing room, as Leah is probably reenacting the shopping scene from “Pretty Woman” in her head.

The girlseses show her various looks, including matching pink floral frocks.

After they choose some outfits, Leah talks to Ali about using her “will-chair” at school, and Ali is reluctant to use a different entrance than her sister. Leah and Corey encourage Ali to use the handicap-accessible entrance but Ali doesn’t want to.

Later, Leah realizes that– as a mom of teenage twinseseses— she is now basically a taxi service, driving them to various hangouts and events. We see Leah— not a regular mom, but a cool mom— driving Aleeah and her friends somewhere and asking if they’re going to meet up with any booooys. They insist it will be girls-only, but Leah says they’re not fooling her.

It then gets weird because Ali and Aleeah get their own segment— sans Leah— where they’re just hanging out with their friends. It’s giving 16 and Pregnant…and it’s odd. 

Soon, it’s the first day of high school for the twinseses. Addie finally makes an appearance. (We can assume she was in the background eating sugar packets or something this whole time.) Leah can’t believe that her kids are starting high school. When they pull up to the school, Leah shouts “I love you” out the window at the twinseses and Addie groans.

Later, Leah picks up the twinseseses from school and they are eager to go to a football game (on the first day of school?) Ali insists she doesn’t need her wheelchair, but Leah says the “will-chair” will prevent Ali from falling. Leah eventually breaks down and worries for Ali.

That’s it for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ To read more of The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)