First of all, The Ashley would like to apologize for not recapping last week’s episode of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter. To punish herself for slacking off, she will force herself to listen to Farrah Abraham‘s musical masterpiece of a song, “Blowin’” on repeat until the next episode of this show airs.

Anyway, this week, we’ve got two kids turning 13, one mom trying to get help from her baby daddy so her kids don’t end up on 16 and Pregnant Season 19, and one mom arguing with her ding-dang youngin about her ding-dang will-chair.

Oh…and someone on this show actually gets a job.

Let’s get started!

We kick things off in Florida, where Mackenzie is still trying to get her pesky diabetes under control so that she can have The Spawn of Khesanio implanted into her nether regions. She checks on her dad, Brad, who is recovering after getting his hand impaled by a giant arrow (as you do). After she ensures that her dad’s nearly severed claw is still attached, she turns her attention to her teen son, Gannon, who has a school dance coming up and is about to turn 13.

Khesanio opens his big mouth and tells Mack (and the dozens of people who still watch this show) that there’s a girl Gannon has his eye on, and poor Gannon looks mortified because he just knows Mackenzie is going to embarrass him.

The next day is Gannon’s 13th birthday and Mackenzie has plenty of balloons and bad songs to bombard the kid with as he gets out of school. (And, of course, Mackenzie’s got her phone in her own face so that she can capture every single embarrassing Kodak moment for some vlog or something.) 

Then Mack legit whips out a wiener dog piñata and very loudly announces (in front of this poor kid’s friends and classmates) that she chose the wiener dog piñata to remind Gannon “to keep your weenie safe.” 

JESUS.

GOD.

LEAH.

An actual crime against humanity has been committed here, you guys.

Once they get home, Mack turns the camera on the poor lad and announces that Gannon is heading to his first school dance the next day. He plans to ask the girl he likes, and tells Mack that this girl is planning to teach him how to get his groove on. Lord help this boy.

Next we check in with Cheyenne, who, as you may recall, ended last week’s episode by holding up a pregnancy test and hinting that she was expecting another child influencer. This week, Cheyenne reveals that after taking pregnancy tests “non-stop,” she decided to visit her doctor for a blood test to find out if she and Zach hit the baby-making jackpot during their Sin City sex-a-thon. 

While Cheyenne waits to hear the results of her blood test, she tells viewers that Ryder, who has VLCAD, has been complaining about her chest and heart lately and is due to visit her doctor for her routine EKGs and heart echoes. After Ryder’s appointment, Cheyenne calls Ryder’s dad, Cory, to let him know that the doctor “found something irregular” during Ryder’s test and she now has to see a cardiologist for a follow-up. 

Like Cheyenne, Cory is concerned about the news, noting that he’s “been down that road,” referring to his youngest daughter, Maya, who has had heart issues since birth. As Cory is talking about how “scary” the situation is, Ryder comes in the room and tells Cheyenne that she came in to see her because her “heart was going fast” while she was running around. Cory and Cheyenne tell Ryder that’s it’s normal for that to happen, as it means her heart is working– unlike most of the adults on this show. 

Cory tells Cheyenne he won’t be able to go to Ryder’s follow-up appointment, presumably because he’s off competing on The Challenge (only to get eliminated and sent right back home no less than three weeks before the final, natch) so Cheyenne tells him she’ll keep him posted on what happens.

Next, we head on down ‘er to the Holler to check in with Leah and her girlseseseseses. Leah’s been having some trouble getting one of the twinseseses, Ali, to use her “will-chair” at school events and whatnot, because Ali doesn’t want to be different from her peers. (Um…the fact that she’s had an actual camera crew following her since she was covered in amniotic fluid kinda already makes her different, no?) 

Anyway, Leah tells us that she’s trying to give Ali some independence, but that Ali doesn’t understand how important the “will-chair” can be for someone with Muscular Dystrophy. Ali is getting frustrated with Leah because she feels that Leah isn’t listening to her.

Ali doesn’t want to use the “will-chair” and is arguing about it with Leah when her twin, Aleeah, wanders in. She, too, begins lecturing Ali about needing the “will-chair” and Ali looks like she wants to go full “Portwood” on both her mom and her sister for ganging up on her while on-camera. 

It gets downright brutal to watch. (I mean, I know the producers of this show don’t exactly have a moral compass that points due north all the time, but they really should have switched the camera off here. This is not fair to Ali.)

Aleeah tells her sister that, you know, ‘you weren’t even supposed to live until the age of 16.’

Like…WTF?

Aleeah just keeps going, saying that it’s only because of Leah and their dad, Corey Tyler, following the rules that Ali is still living. Leah doesn’t stop her daughter from going off on Ali. Instead, they embarrass poor Ali by letting everyone know that she fell in the kitchen the other day. Ali looks more mortified than even Gannon did with his weenie dog pinata. 

Leah is getting frustrated that the youngin isn’t listening so she vows to take it up with Corey Tyler. 

Next we head to Las Vegas where Ashley is chatting on the phone with her sister Chris about their mom, Tea. Ashley is not happy because Tea recently got a job (wait— can they even say the “J” word on this show?!) Tea will be working on a cruise ship for a long period of time, which means she will not be there when Ashley has to testify at Bar’s upcoming trial. 

Later on, Ashley stops by Tea’s house to pick up Holly and to talk about the cruise gig and Tea reveals that it’s definitely happening– “six weeks on, two weeks off.” 

Tea asks Ashley if she minds keeping an eye on her younger sister while she’s away, despite Ashley just complaining to her other sister about her plate being too full.  

Ashley says she’ll have to do some planning to make sure everything is in order but seemingly agrees to watch her sister while Tea’s having a “la dee dah time” on her cruise ship.

Meanwhile, Tea reminds Ashley that she, too, got knocked up at 16 but, unlike Ashley, her teenage pregnancy didn’t come with a hefty MTV paycheck. Now, Tea says she is ready to say yes to some opportunities that she missed out on because she shot a couple of kids out of her underage hoo-ha years ago.

Tea and Ashley agree that Tea needs to talk to Holly about her leaving, especially with Holly already missing Bar because he (and all of his assorted eyebrows— both natural and tattooed-on) have been locked up for months at this point. Tea tells Holly to come downstairs and she lets her know that she’ll be gone for a little while, including for her upcoming birthday. Holly tells her grandma that she’s sad to see her go, but happy that she’ll be off making some money.

Finally, we head to Florida to see what Briana is up to. She gets a call from Baby Daddy No. 1 Devoin, who tells her that he will be gracing them all with his presence in a few days to celebrate Nova’s 13th birthday. As we know, Devoin moved to Michigan a few months back for a job opportunity. (There’s that “J” word again! Two people on this show actually working real jobs? We must be in the Twilight Zone or something.) 

Briana offers to let Devoin spend the night at her house so that he can spend extra time with the girls. Devoin– never one to turn down a free place to stay— eagerly accepts the invitation.

Briana goes out to let Nova and Stella know that Devoin will be attending the birthday festivities. Nova’s excited that her dad is coming to her birthday, and requests he participate in a spa night sleepover party. 

Later, Briana reflects on Nova turning 13. She says that she was 13 when she began doing the horizontal mambo and she hopes Nova doesn’t follow in her underage humping habits. 

A few days later, Briana is shoveling fast food into her gullet as she drives Nova to the beauty supply store to purchase items for the Spa Night party. Roxanne even comes along for the shopping spree, and is helping Nova choose the perfect wig to apparently turn poor Devoin into a girl working the day shift at the Strip & Nip gentleman’s club down by the docks.

Stella is also picking out items to make Devoin wear, including press-on nails.

“Can we buy these for Father?” Stella asks Briana.

Roxanne is sad when she hears Stella call Devoin “father.” (There’s no explanation as to why Stella has taken to speaking like a girl from the Victorian Era who calls her dad “Father.”)

Roxy feels bad that Stella’s actual father, Luis, is nowhere to be seen. Briana is conflicted about allowing Stella to call Devoin her “father,” since he is not biologically related to her. She is also concerned that Devoin will quickly tire of hanging out with the kids and go “wonder off somewhere” during his trip back to Florida. (On the plus side, his bright red Little Mermaid of Horrors wig will make him easy to spot if he tries to sneak out!) 

Meanwhile— elsewhere in Florida— Gannon is preparing for his school dance. Khesanio is peppering the kid with questions about the girl he’s bringing, but Gannon is being reserved with his answers, probably because he knows if he gives away too much info, Mack will hire a marching band to parade through the middle school to serenade him and his date. 

Khesanio attempts to have “the talk” with Gannon, who immediately recognizes this is the start of “the weird talk.” Gannon assures him that he does not plan to partake in any underage hanky panky.

“I’m just going to the party to party!” Gannon insists.

The next day, Mack decides to take a gander at Gannon’s phone, even though Khesanio is against her invading his privacy. Mack— eager to get the latest middle school gossip— ignores Khesanio and looks through Gannon’s text messages. 

Mack is shocked when she sees some non-PG-13 texts on the phone. (We don’t actually get to know what the kid was texting since they actually threw him a bone for once and didn’t show it on-screen.) 

Back in Ye Olde Holler, Leah is taking the twinseseses to the trusty parking lot drop-off area to meet their dad Corey Tyler. Corey has gotten himself all spiffed up for the filming, sporting his best cut-off tank top. 

Leah explains that Ali was reluctant to listen to her when she was talking about the importance of the “will-chair.” Corey says he expected Ali to resist because Ali is thinking that, “y’alls is not listenin’.” (That’s actually a direct quote.) 

Corey and Leah are both worried about Ali’s safety if she doesn’t use her chair. They call out both twinseses to explain this. Cory tells Ali that if he says “will-chair,” Ali best be gettin’ her behind into that will-chair.

Back in Florida, Devoin has arrived to celebrate Nova’s birthday and both girls are very excited to see him. Poor Devoin is then informed that he will be masked, makeuped and manicured against his will. The girls get to work, and Devoin is a good sport about it.

Later, Devoin is informed that he will need to wear the Little Mermaid of Horrors wig. 

“Why me!?” he cries.

That’s actually the same thing The Ashley says every time she starts watching another episode of this trashcan show.

Back in California, Cheyenne’s parents, Margaret and Kyle, stop by and Cheyenne and Zach talk about the possibility of Cheyenne being pregnant. Cheyenne says she’s trying not to get her hopes up and that she’s also stressing out about Ryder’s recent appointment. 

Cheyenne eventually receives a call from her doctor, who informs her that she isn’t currently knocked up with another future social media influencer. Cheyenne tells Zach she’s disappointed, but Zach says they just have to keep trying– when he’s not busy putting in hours at his allegedly demanding “job,” that is. Zach also tells Cheyenne that he’ll be able to go with her to Ryder’s cardiologist appointment the following day. 

After Ryder’s appointment, Cheyenne calls Cory and lets him know that the doctor said the “structure” of Ryder’s heart looks great, but they now have to determine if she has any cardiac issues. In order to do that, Ryder has to wear a heart monitor for two weeks. Cheyenne tells viewers that she doesn’t know how to ease Ryder’s anxiety about the situation when she’s feeling anxious about it herself, though she doesn’t want to scare Ryder, either. 

In Vegas, Ashley, her little sister Autumn Rosie and Holly are helping Tea pack for the cruise in what appears to be a bedroom that Tea has converted into a closet. Tea lets her daughters and granddaughter know that in addition to her casual wear and swimsuits, she’s packed a “sexy black dress” in her luggage, “just in case.” 

In what feels like the most accelerated storyline in ‘Teen Mom’ history, next we see Ashley, Holly and Autumn Rosie taking Tea to the airport and saying their goodbyes as Tea heads off to whip up some desserts on the water.   

Lastly, we head back to Florida for Nova’s 13th birthday party. Everyone who is anyone in the DeJesus Coven’s crew is there: Brittany, Roxanne, and even Bri’s trusty pal “Shirley” has arrived for the fiesta. Briana is concerned, though, that Devoin being so far away in Michigan will have a negative effect on Nova, so, naturally, Roxy decides to talk to him.

Let’s hope Devoin is wearing his cup today. Safety first.

Roxy gets right to the point. She tells Devoin that she raised her kids and now he needs to raise his, which means he can’t be frolicking up north and leaving Briana alone to raise their kid.

Devoin is somewhat caught off guard by Roxanne’s bluntness. He vows to pre-plan trips back home so Nova will know her dad will be around. Roxy reminds Devoin that it could be Nova starring on an episode of 16 and Pregnant if they’re not careful.

Later Briana confirms that she wanted her dad around when she was 13, but he peaced out, leaving her with plenty of daddy issues, and eventually a baby in her belly at the age of 16. 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ To read more of The Ashley’s recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)