Well, we’re back for another episode of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter…

The Ashley will give the dozen or so of you still watching this litter-box-of-a-show a second to dump a few beers into a “Things That Matter” tumbler before we begin…

OK. We kick things off this week with a recap of last week’s hijinks, followed by the show opener, which reminds us that Jade is still on this still technically part of this cast. She’s like a job— something rarely, if ever, seen on this show.

First, we check in with Maci‘s clan. Bentley is about to turn 16, so his grandpa Larry measures him against the wall to see how his height compares to his dad Ryan’s when he was at 16. They discover that Bentley is now taller than his dad.

Meanwhile, Maci heads to lunch with her longtime pal, Keelie. Keelie has been through it with Maci, and has always been there to listen to whatever Maci was complaining about— through Ryan’s years of bad gray hair and bug eyes, to way back when we were trying to figure out if Kyle really was slow, Keelie has stuck through it all and was always willing to ask the producer-prompted questions we needed.

Maci reminds Keelie that, when she was 16, she had let Ryan— in all his smolderin’ teenage glory— give her the ol’ Edwards Hot Beef Injection— resulting in an Oopsie Baby and her moving out of her parent’s house at 16. She says Bentley is in no way ready to leave Maci’s MTV Mansion. (Maybe because he can’t find the door underneath all the crap they have in that house?)

We are then treated to a recap of Bentley’s birth and previous birthdays and— I’ll tell you what— I’ve got to give it to the editors of this show. They are legit the only people in the ‘Teen Mom’ franchise working hard, because they managed to make it look like Ryan’s always been an involved dad to Bentley. The footage shown in the montage only shows happy, sober(ish) Ryan who was present at all of Bentley’s parties.

Next, we scurry up to Michigan to check in with Catelynn, who is busy slapping some glue onto the back of her Lee Press-On Nails. Catelynn— who is obviously very busy— tells Tyler that she is considering sending Rya (aka the youngest of the Not-Carlys) to school for more days. Tyler argues that the Not-Carly is too young to be away from home for all that time. But Catelynn needs her to be kid-free during the day to do….whatever it is that she does all day.

Suddenly, Tyler reveals that he is itchin’ to spread his seed once again, and tells Catelynn that if she would agree, he would impregnate her again and again. (Keep trying all you want, Ty, but we all know you will just end up with eight Not-Carlys and zero boys.) 

Catelynn agrees to “do it” but Tyler can’t tell if she’s being serious or not. 

Sounds like someone needs a storyline…

Later, Tyler’s mom Kim wanders over to discuss the last Not-Carly going to school, and soon that turns into a conversation about what a trash-bag father Butch was to Tyler growing up. Ty mentions that he can’t remember Butch coming to his first day of school or whatnot, and Kim just straight deadpans, “Yeah. Because he was in prison.”

As you do…

We are then reminded (via old clips) that Butch “ain’t no juicehead” and that he instead prefers cocaine. 

Tyler tells Kim that it’s actually been about five years since he’s seen Butch. (When we last saw Butch, he was getting his rehab on in Texas, courtesy of Tyler’s wallet). It’s been so long, though, that Butch hasn’t even met the youngest Not-Carly!

Kim encourages Tyler to give Butch a call and see if he wants to come to Michigan to visit.

Speaking of dads, we next head down to Florida, where Mackenzie is calling up her dad, who is still recovering after he essentially turned his arm into a shish kabob with a hunting arrow. (As you do…)

Although he’s all bandaged and bruised, Mack’s dad Brad is still alive, so she quickly moves on to her next order of business: figuring out how to embarrass her 13-year-old son Gannon for maximum screentime. Mack tells her dad that she found a lot of texts relating to “the sex” on Gannon’s phone, and she’s scared that means he’s about to get it on.

“He was talking about [bleep] jobs with his friends!” Mackenzie tells her dad. “This is not the kid I know!” 

Mack says she is positively shooketh to read that her teenage boy is saying these things. She doesn’t understand how her son can be discussing this stuff. 

Brad says that he thinks it’s ding-dang wrong to talk about “the sex” with teenagers.

Um…Brad? Maybe we don’t take your advice on this one, given that you didn’t talk about “the sex” with your daughter and she ended up 16 years old and stuffing her baby bump into a high school cheerleader’s outfit so…..

Mack even reminds her dad that the first time she discussed sex with her parents was the day she informed them that ol’ Joshy Mutter Mouth had knocked her up. Brad’s like “Well, yeah…but…what’s your point…and stuff?” 

Over in Indiana, it’s time for Amber’s segment, but we can assume she’s unavailable due to no one being able to find a forklift to scrap her off the couch. Therefore, we head to Gary‘s house instead.

He’s FaceTiming Tyler to discuss what a crap-heap-of-a-job Amber has done at being a “mother” to Leah. Because of this, Leah is feeling a lot of abandonment and is considering going to therapy because of it.

Naturally, Gary is calling Tyler– who knows a thing (or twelve) about therapy– for advice.

Gary tells Tyler that Leah is struggling, thanks to Ambie only wanting to play Mama when she doesn’t have a rando dude tickling her ivories. 

“Having a parent come in and come out, it’s exhausting!” Tyler declares.

Tyler highly recommends that Gary put Leah into therapy, stating that it basically saved his life as a youngster dealing with Butch The Disappearing Druggy Dad.

A few days later, Gary is maxin’ and relaxin’ on his recliner couch.

Leah sits down, wanting to have a chat. She tells him that kids are starting to realize she’s on a reality TV show.

Um..? Does Gary live in an Amish community or something? The kids are just now realizing Leah is on this show?! It’s been on for 97 years.

Leah says that the kiddies are starting to send her TikTok videos featuring clips of her mother Amber beatin’ the BeJesus out of Gary back when she was sporting those Roseanne-inspired bangs.

Leah says that she is also starting to watch clips from the early days of the show that highlight how badly Ambie neglected her as a baby. 

Leah says watching the older clips of her as a baby are painful to watch because, let’s face it, no one wants to see themselves as an infant lying on a dirty sheetless crib mattress in a rat-trap of an apartment while their mom screams at anyone within a 10-foot radius, including her infant daughter.

“It’s always, like, Amber screaming at you and then you leave,” Leah tells her dad.

Gary, meanwhile is just there smiling and nodding like he knew this day would come someday where he would have to explain to Leah why he allowed her to live in squalor with an angry egomaniac. 

Leah also talks about watching a clip where Amber is yelling at her for being a baby who is crying, while Amber sunbathes in her filth in the next room. 

Leah says the “Why.Is.She.Crying.Like.That. GARY!?” was especially painful for her to watch. 

We also watch the clip where Amber is positively screaming at Gary…for screaming. And one where Amber demands Gary leave her house…and then yells at him for leaving.

Leah says that she knows she “has a lot of issues because of Amber” and Gary mentions that it might be time for her to start Ye Olde Therapy. He also apologizes to Leah for not lifting her out of the crap heap one day and taking her far, far from Amber. Leah forgives him, mentioning that she doesn’t even remember most of it. Gary thanks the Trauma Gods for that, stating that her brain must have blocked out all the Amber-related madness from her childhood as a way of protecting her.

Leah tells the cameras that she wants to go to therapy because she wants to eventually be able to forgive Amber and move on from all the crap that the Couch Queen has put her through.

Later, Gary talks to Kristina about Leah going to therapy. Gary insists that Amber doesn’t need to be a part of Leah’s therapy sessions.

Kristina tells us that it’s been four whole months since they’ve even heard from Amber, and Gary is over it. He tells Kristina that Leah has built a boundary to help prevent herself from continuing to get hurt by Amber. 

“And good luck to Amber if she ever wanted to go to court and say, ‘Oh I can’t see my daughter!'” Gary added. “It will get worse for her.”

Kristina then says that Leah told her that, if she was forced to go to Amber’s home, she would run away. 

Back in Florida, Mackenzie and Khesanio take the kids to the go-kart track, where they have yet another on-air conversation about poor Gannon’s (probably non-existent) sex life. 

Is this making anyone else feel really uncomfortable? Like, I keep expecting Chris Hanson to pop out from behind my door with some lemonade and call me a disgusting predator for even watching all this footage about a 13-year-old’s sex life.

Anyway, Mack tells Khesanio that her family never talked about sex (until she was, you know, already in the obstetrician’s stirrups about to shoot Gannon from her teenaged loins). Khesanio asks Mackenzie if she thinks Gannon has had sex already.

JESUS GOD LEAH. CAN WE STOP? I feel like having this conversation on-air constitutes as child abuse at this point, no?

Mackenzie feels like a hypocrite for telling Gannon he can’t have teenage sex when she had teenage sex…and even got on an MTV reality show for said teenage sex. She also says she doesn’t want to straight-out tell Gannon that she ruined her life by having him. 

“You don’t to word it exactly like that, though,” Khesanio tells her.

Umm…

Later, Mack goes to her cheer gym to gossip more about her son’s sex life. Apparently, Gannon is quite the ladies’ man around town. He has already dated the daughter of Mack’s gym co-owner. And then he had a whole swarm of teenage girls hanging out at his house. Now, the kid apparently wants to date the best friend of his ex.

Mackenzie is concerned.

“All of this screams ‘I am raising Josh!'” she says. 

Mackenzie’s co-owner is like, “Yeah, come get your son, girl.”

Later, after literally telling everyone in the state of Florida about her son’s sexy-time text messages, Mack heads to Gannon’s room to discuss it with him. Gannon knows something is up and you can just tell he’s praying it’s not going to be an awkward “birds and the bees…and b**w jobs” talk on-camera. 

But it is…

Mack starts things off by snooping inside Gannon’s shirt to see if he has hairy armpits yet. Gannon looks like he wants to rip that hunting arrow out of his grandpa’s arm and fling it at his mom.

She starts in on him about him breaking the hearts of the girls he’s dated in the past.

Gannon knows Mack is about to bust out “The Talk” with him and he looks around desperately for something to hide under. 

“Why do you always get so uncomfortable!?” Mackenzie has the actual AUDACITY to ask her son– whom she is forcing to talk about his sex life in front of a camera crew.

Gannon tells his mom not to worry, because his dad Josh has already had the sex talk with him a long time ago. Gannon even tells Mack that Josh shared the story about how he lost his virginity. 

Mackenzie tells Gannon that he needs to respect girls and that he can score himself a long-running reality TV show ruin his life by sleeping with a girl one time. She’s getting upset that Gannon is laughing during this conversation.

Gannon then basically shuts down the conversation by changing the subject. He starts talking about how he’s hatching eggs in his bedroom. (As you do…)

Over in Michigan, the Not-Carlys are off to school and, for the first time, Rya is heading to get her learn on. Since it’s her first day ever, Tyler and Catelynn take the day off from work college scrapbooking nail gluing and taking OnlyFans selfies to take her to her classroom. 

After drop off, Tyler is deep in his feelings about his youngest going off to school. He says he wishes he could pause life at this moment.

Having his youngest go to school also makes Tyler think about his non-existent relationship with his own dad. He is missing Butch because, even though Butch has a punch card that’s pretty much been stamped at every prison in America, he’s still his dad and he loves him.

Tyler feels proud of himself that, despite having had basically zero examples of how to be a dad, he’s turned into a great father himself. 

Later, Ty tells Cate he wants to call up Butch and invite him to come stay with them. Catelynn understandably questions whether this is a good idea, given that no one’s seen Butchy in five years and they have no idea what pharmaceutical shenanigans he might be involved in.

Tyler’s like, “Yeah, no.” He doesn’t want to ask Butch if he’s using drugs or anything because it puts too much stress on him. 

Um…?

Tyler says he’ll talk to Butch first and determine if he’s HIGH! HIGH! Catelynn is not so sure. She doesn’t want the Not Carlys to get cozy with Grampy Butch, only to have ditch out on them for the first crackpipe that comes along.

“That’s the only negative thing I can think of, really,” she says.

UMM!? 

Meanwhile, back in Tennessee, it’s the day of Bentley’s big birthday party. She’s freaking out about pulling off Bentley’s surprise — which is a brand-new Jeep.

The whole gang has turned up for Bentley’s Birthday Bonanza. There’s Maci, Taylor, Mimi Jen and Larry, and even Ryan and his pregnant girlfriend Amanda are there to celebrate. (Mimi Jen probably gave Ryan a party horn to keep him amused and told him to sit in the corner and refrain from saying anything embarrassing.) 

Bentley and his pals are all doing glow-in-the-dark golf, and everyone is having a great time. (All jokes aside, it is really really good to see Ryan sober and actually awake for his son’s big moments.) Bentley has no idea he’s getting a Jeep, and Ryan actually seems excited for the big surprise. It’s really refreshing to see.

Before Bentley can get his car, though, the producers force him to have an awkward conversation with two very awkward friends in which Bentley reminds them that he’s now the same age as his mom was when she got pregnant with him. The kids are like, “Um, yeah, we know, bro. That’s why the NDAs we signed to be on this episode say ‘Teen Mom.'”

Later, Taylor is grillin’ up some weenies for the kids, as Maci talks about how she’s about to “s**t her pants” from all the suspense of Bentley’s surprise car. 

Amanda asks Maci and Ryan if they ever thought they’d be at this point where they could co-parent Bentley together and get along. Ryan tells Maci that he didn’t think so, and Maci says it’s because she’s so hard to deal with. 

Um.

Soon, it’s time for the big car reveal. Everyone sneaks out the back to get the car ready to surprise Bentley with. Bentley walks back with Taylor and everyone jumps out and yells “SURPRISE!” as Bentley see his new Jeep. Bentley is excited, and drives off with his parents riding in the back together.

Later, Maci reflects about getting pregnant at 16. She says she had to give up being a kid, and that she doesn’t want that for Bentley.

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)