Howdy Teen Mom: The Next Chapter fans! These ‘Teen Mom’ gals have been keeping The Ashley busier than a 911 call center close to Jenelle‘s house, but she’s still going to bust out a recap of the most-recent episode before tonight’s new episode.

We kick this episode off with some highlights from recent episodes: there’s a phone call between Jade and her legally impaired mother, Christy— who was being beamed in via FaceTime from jail. (Honestly, does it even count as an episode of ‘Teen Mom’ if one of the grandparents isn’t FaceTiming from the slammer?) We see Jade— who has been missing in action so far this season— remind us that she stopped talking to Christy shortly after she got out of jail because Christy refused to take a drug test. 

We start off down ‘er in the holler with Leah. The twinseseses are with Corey Tyler, who is ready to give them a peptalk about their upcoming homecoming dance. As the girlseses chomp down some assorted fried foods, Corey breaks down what is– and isn’t— allowed during and after the dance. He demands that whatever strapping young hillbilly holler boy accompany the girlseses to the dance keep his greasy mitts above the girlseses’ waist.

“We’re not twerkin’. We’re not grindin’,” Corey Tyler insists. 

(Not gonna lie: hearing Corey talking about the dangers of high school twerking is kind of adorable, no?) 

Elsewhere in the holler, Leah is also nervous about the twinseseses’ dance. She reminds us that it wasn’t all that long ago when she was the one in a frilly dress heading off to the school dance …only to end up heels-up-to-Jesus in the back of Corey’s truck…and then pregnant with twins.

Leah is worried that her 15-year-old twinseseses could follow in her footsteps and ditch the dance to go do the Tube Snake Boogie with some boy. 

Just then, Leah’s fresh-from-the-‘Hab dad, Gary, arrives.

I’m convinced that he’s here to fulfill two requirements of ‘Teen Mom’: there always has to be at least two people on the show named Gary, and there must always be a ‘Teen Mom’ grandparent who is in rehab/thinking about rehab/newly rehabbed.

Now, Gary Messer is an interesting bird. He’s got a full white beard and dresses like a hick biker dude. He’s kind of like an Appalachian Santa Claus (if, you know, Santa had a smack problem and stuff.)

Poor Gary says he ain’t been feelin’ so good and such. He’s cramping, and feeling generally unwell. (Normally whenever someone on this show has those symptoms, it means we’re about to get a new “Oopsie Baby” but I’m fairly certain that’s not the case here.)

“I hope you get to fillin’ better,” Leah tells her dad, adding that she had planned to invite him over to see the twinseseses off to their homecoming.

Leah tells her dad that she’s planning to host a girls’ slumber party for Aleeah and her friends after the dance, so they have somewhere to go that is free of boys and booze where they can get their party on— without the danger of ending up in the OBGYN’s birthing stirrups nine months from now. 

Leah says she’s having a difficult time accepting that Aleeah already has a boooooyfriend, because she feels she’s too young. 

“I got married by the time I was 18 and then 19– twice before the age of 20!” Leah reminds us, adding that she hopes that level of marital trainwreckery is not in her daughters’ futures. 

Over in Indiana, Jade is planning a birthday party for her daughter Khloeee Cloiii Cloughie (?). In something that is absolutely, totally, completely not set up by producers, Klooooughi asks if her friend Ryder (aka the daughter of Cheyenne) can come to the party. She also requests that her Grandma Christy attend as well. Jade, who is not currently speaking to her mom, hesitates. She kicks Kl-o-i out of the room so that she and Sean can talk smack on Granny. Both of them are worried that ol’ Christy will roll up to the party and somehow turn Kloeyy’s cat party into a “Welcome Home From the Clink, Christy!” party. 

(Not gonna lie, I’d attend that party.) 

Aside from Christy’s tendency to always steal the attention for herself, Jade is worried she will show up HIGH! HIGH! She believes Christy may be “livin’ that Kieffer life” due to the fact that she hasn’t spoken to them in at least four months. Jade gets upset because she doesn’t want to see her mom swollen and covered in drug sores. 

Jade eventually agrees to invite Christy to the party, provided she’s not in the slammer at the time, obvs.

Cheyenne receives a call from Jade inviting her and the fam to Klooey’s upcoming birthday party. Not surprisingly, Cheyenne agrees to come, even though it literally requires her to fly halfway across the country for a child’s birthday party. (Fingers crossed Zach can somehow manage to get the time off work!)

Before ending their phone call, Jade warns Cheyenne that Christy and her Big Gulp might be making an appearance at the party, though she tells Cheyenne she’ll fill her in on everything once she gets into town. 

A few days later, Cheyenne, Zach and the kids are visiting Cheyenne’s mom, Margaret, who we learn will be watching Ace while Cheyenne, Zach and Ryder are in Indiana. Cheyenne tells her mom that Ryder’s doctor said she’s fine to travel with her heart monitor. Despite getting the OK from Ryder’s doctor, Cheyenne is still concerned about what’s going on, but her mom encourages her to “try, try, try to have fun this weekend.” 

Later on, Cheyenne, Zach and Ryder arrive in Indiana and make their way to Jade and Sean’s new house where their greeted by barking dogs and Jade’s friend Chau, who we assume lives upstairs in one of the bedrooms, only emerging to film scenes with Jade when needed. 

While talking with Jade and Sean, Cheyenne learns that Amber only lives about 30 minutes from the couple, though they never see her because, according to Jade (and anyone who has ever watched this show), Amber “doesn’t leave the house or make plans.” 

Jade– who has invited Gary, Kristina, Leah and Emilee to Klowie’s birthday party– tells Cheyenne that she stopped inviting Amber to do things when she realized her co-star would say no to anything that didn’t involve a couch, a kimono or screaming on TikTok.

In addition, Jade says after seeing the way Amber has neglected Leah and consistently put all of her energy into different men, she doesn’t want to associate with Amber anyway. Cheyenne agrees, adding that the “whole situation was crazy,” referring to Amber’s fiancé going “missing” last year. 

“It was hard to watch,” Cheyenne says, to which Jade adds that the situation is triggering for her, as someone who also has a mom that sporadically pops up in her life. 

“It makes me sick to my f**king stomach,” Jade says, telling Cheyenne she feels like she “used to be Leah”: wondering why she wasn’t a priority in her mom’s life. 

Before Klo-E’s big party, Jade, Cheyenne and Chau leave the kids with Jade’s grandma and head out to lunch where they literally high-five each other over their respective spouses getting their “own companies,” with Jade exclaiming, “Our mans’ got jobs, girl!” 

The bar is in hell, guys.  

Jade goes on to tell Cheyenne that Christy might be coming to the birthday party, but she doesn’t know for sure because Christy has been MIA for months and allegedly has relapsed. While Jade’s dad has managed to maintain his sobriety, Jade is fairly certain that Christy has not, warning Cheyenne that “anything could happen” at the party tomorrow, including Christy rolling up the fiesta “tweaking.”

Or twerking?

Jade says a lot is riding on the birthday party, as Christy’s behavior will determine if they can have her in their lives long-term. 

Later on, Jade tells viewers that she’s still holding out hope for her mom because she knows Christy can be great when she’s not using and/or showing up to children’s birthday parties “tweaking.” 

On the day of the birthday party, Gary and Co. show up and at some point during the celebration, Leah and Cheyenne find themselves sitting together at a table, so Cheyenne begins asking Leah about her new car and getting her permit. Leah tells Cheyenne that Kristina taught her how to drive and Cheyenne comments on the great relationship the two have. Leah then mentions some of the old ‘Teen Mom’ clips that people at her school have begun to see online, telling Cheyenne that people come up to her “and talk about Amber.” 

Leah tells Cheyenne she hasn’t talked to or seen Amber (guuuuuurl…) in a while, but says she doesn’t really care anymore. So much, in fact, that she wants Kristina to legally adopt her and claims she has for a long time. Cheyenne encourages Leah to tell Amber how she feels about everything, but Leah admits she’s scared.

Cheyenne tells viewers it’s “really unfortunate and sad” that Amber doesn’t make an effort with Leah and says she couldn’t imagine not being there for Ryder. 

Speaking of “being there,” next we see Christy make her grand– and fashionably late– entrance into Jade’s house, where she’s greeted by Cheyenne… and Cheyenne alone. Cheyenne tells Christy she’s there if she needs someone to talk to, and unfortunately for Cheyenne, Christy takes her up on that offer by saddling up next to her as presents are being opened and treating Cheyenne like her own personal trauma therapist. Christy insists that she isn’t back on drugs, telling Cheyenne she’s being wrongfully accused. 

Christy eventually pulls an “Amber” and makes her way to the couch where she’s met with Chau, who is ready and waiting to launch an interrogation on her BFF’s absent mom. Chau asks Christy where she’s been over the last few months, and Christy gets defensive. Chau tells Christy that Jade and Sean have been trying to help her, but Christy maintains that she’s “not allowed to be around.” 

Chau reminds Christy that Jade simply wants her to take a drug test to prove that she is still sober, but Christy was unwilling to do so and apparently still is, claiming she doesn’t want Jade to “strong arm” her.

Um…

Chau tells Christy she’s “playing victim a little bit” and should try to understand that the trust with Jade needs to be rebuilt, and she can start by peeing in a cup to prove that she’s sober.  

After the party winds down, Jade and Cheyenne talk about how good it was to see Gary and Kristina and how great they’ve done raising Leah. Jade says she empathizes with Leah’s situation so much, but notes that it’s good that Leah has another mother figure in her life– something Jade didn’t have in Christy’s absence. 

Jade says that Christy “avoided the f**k” out of her during the birthday party and Chau fills her in on the couch grilling she gave Christy. Jade comments on how inappropriate Christy’s comments were, particularly at a child’s birthday party, and Cheyenne says she suspects that Christy was just looking for a reaction. 

Later on, Jade tells viewers that her mom “didn’t look well” at the party, but she doesn’t know for sure if that means Christy has relapsed. Jade reiterates that, because Christy is her mom, she’s always going to worry about her. 

Back down in The WV, the twinseseses are getting all spiffed up for their big dance. Actually, it’s Aleeah and all her pals (who have parents who are somehow OK with them being on this trainwreck of a TV show). Leah has hired a pro makeup and hair person to do the girls’ hair, but for some reason, Ali’s upstairs with her friend and they’re doing their own glam. 

Corey Tyler arrives and they all wait for Aleeah’s date (whom everyone keeps calling “Aleeah’s little boyfriend”) to arrive.

Sam— “Aleeah’s little boyfriend”— gets there and says hello to Leah and Corey, using their first names. (Sadly, he doesn’t call him “Corey Tyler” which I found a bit disrespectful if I’m being honest.)

They proceed to do a very “She’s All That” walking-down-the-staircase moment. Aleeah and Sam exchange flowers and Corey Tyler instructs his daughter how to pin on a boutonnière without causing a stab wound. 

Leah drives Aleeah, her boyfriend and her friends, while Corey hauls Ali and her friend to the dance. Leah delivers a final message to her daughter, telling her “no alcohol, no kissing and hands above the waist.” 

For some reason, Corey is carrying Leah’s nephew (?) to Ali’s dance. (Is her sister Victoria celebrating her preggo-versary or something, aka the day she got knocked up by the Costa Rican rafting instructor?) 

Later that night, Leah’s friend Kylie arrives to help her set up the “after-party” at her home. Ali is not coming to the party at Leah’s house, but Leah is hosting Aleeah and her friends for a basement slumber party. Leah tells her friend she’s happy her girlseses will get to experience being teenagers, unlike her, who was already working at McDonald’s at their age. 

Aleeah and her friends arrive at Leah’s house and she makes sure there was no hanky-panky going on between Aleeah and Sam. The girls are having a great time at the party that Leah’s set up for them. (Kudos to her, for real, because this looked so much fun!) 

The next day, Leah sits down with the twinseses to get the “tea” on the dance. She admits she was worried that Aleeah would be getting in trouble, and that Ali wouldn’t use her wheelchair. Luckily, though, neither of those things happened and all went well. Leah tells the girlseses that her greatest fear is them becoming the stars of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter The Next Generation.’

Leah vows to trust her girlseses more in the future.

That’s all for this week’s episode! Click here to read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter.’ 

(Photos: MTV)