Well. Here we are again.

You’d think that after 197 seasons of this airing we would have finally “gotten lives” and found something better to do with our time than watch Maci drink beer and Amber yell at people. Yet…here we are.

Sigh.

This episode of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter starts with a quick recap of the last few crapisodes, and then we’re off to Florida to see what Mackenzie is up to. She’s gotten some good news that her diabetes is under control which means…she will be getting the A-OK to have baby juice shot into her hooter via IVF. Mack is understandably scared, given that, the last three times she was sperminated, it was probably in the back of Ol’ Mumble Mouth’s truck, which was likely parked out back of Big Daddy’s Hoot ‘n’ Holler.

A few days later, though, Mackenzie has to put her baby-makin’ dreams on hold, because of pesky Hurricane Milton. It’s barreling right at Mackenzie & Co. in Tampa, Florida, and she, Khess and her youngins are planning to shelter in place, despite how dire the warnings are that Ol’ Milty will be one hell of a storm.

One thing about MTV is that they’re gonna exploit the hell out of a natural disaster.

We see Mack lose the power in her home, and everyone is walking around with candles like they’re Butch squatting in Tyler’s sister’s home. (Sadly, no one has busted out a candelabra, though.) 

We see the news reports about the massive damage the hurricane has done, but, try as they might, the producers just can’t seem to build the suspense they hoped this storyline would bring. Later Mack and Khess go out to survey the damage done to their home.

Mackenzie reveals that, although she and the kids were involved in a major natural disaster, Josh couldn’t be bothered to check and see if they had survived. She says that Josh’s mother did check in, but Josh was M.I.A. as per usual. 

“I’m really disappointed in the father he’s being now,” Mack says.

Um… just right now? OK.

Mack reveals that Joshy can only be bothered to see his kids twice a year— once during Christmas and once in the summer, and even then he’ll only do a visit if Mack hauls the youngins to Oklahoma for him. She says that the kids are starting to catch on that their dad is a deadbeat, and Mack is tired of working hard to keep Josh in the lives of kids he doesn’t even seem to want. 

Over in Las Vegas, Ashley calls her mom Tea, who is currently living that cruise ship life. Ashley is stressing out about the upcoming criminal court case against her baby daddy Bar, and she is working to secure her apartment so no more wayward criminals/ex-husbands can break in. To calm her nerves, Ashley goes to a pottery-making place with a friend to make a weird clay bowl and talk about what’s inspiring her to get her “art” on.

Ashley says she temporarily quit nursing school to get her mental health right. She says that she’s open to doing therapy, but she’d rather do something “less medicine-based” and something that doesn’t include just sitting on the couch and talking.

Next, we head up to Tennessee, where these clowns have managed to stretch Bentley turning 16/getting a car into about five episodes. (That’s probably the hardest anyone who’s associated with this show has worked in 16 years, to be honest.)

Now that Bentley is 16 and has a car, he’s taking his driving test. Maci is nervous for her son to get behind the wheel solo. 

Bentley emerges from out behind a few pillars of junk, ready to take his driving test. He wades through the trash piles in Maci’s kitchen and tells his mom that he’s confident he’ll pass his test. 

Bentley looks like he’d rather be anywhere else than his mom’s trash-filled kitchen with an MTV camera shoved in his face. He mumbles a few answers to Maci’s producer-pitched questions, probably because he knows that it’s just easier to film the scene so he can get to the DMV and get his drive on. But he looks seriously over it. 

We get close-up, self-filmed vlogs of Maci waiting as Bentley goes to take his test. I seriously haven’t been this invested in seeing test results since that episode of Teen Mom 2 where Chelsea peed out her IUD and had to take a pregnancy test because she thought Adam knocked her up again! 

We’ll have to wait a bit to see if Bentley will become a licensed driver, as it’s time to check in with Briana. Nova is excited because Roxanne is taking her to a Taylor Swift concert. 

OK, Roxy being a Swifty was definitely not on my 2025 bucket list. I’ll bet she gets buckwild at a concert.

Meanwhile, Briana is making big decisions for herself. She decides she doesn’t want to end up knocked up again after an encounter with a low-rent DJ in the bathroom at ‘da club.’ Therefore, she is considering tying her tubes so that she knows she won’t have any more “Oopsie Babies.” 

She even makes a Pros/Cons list to help her decide if she should tie up her baby-making tools. 

No seriously…

On the “Pros” side, Briana says tying her tubes will allow her to date “stress-free” and allow her to focus on the two kids she has. On the “Cons” side, Briana realizes that there may come a day that she will meet a guy who wants her to have his baby.

She decides to call up Mackenzie, who had her tubes tied years ago to ensure Mumbles McKee couldn’t knock her up for Round 4. (Now, however, Mack is trying to get pregnant because she found a decent guy.) They make plans to meet up in a few days while Roxy is getting down with her bad self (and Nova) at the Taylor Swift concert.

That night, Mackenzie is yelling at the youngins to stop fussin’ at each other. Bronchial is pissing off the girl youngin because he’s eating her bracelet. (As you do…) 

The convo quickly turns to Josh, and his lack of parenting. Gannon says that Josh calls him all the time, but poor Bronchial and the Girl Youngin reveal that their dad literally ignores their calls and texts. 

“He don’t stick up for what he says,” Gannon tells Mackenzie, after his sister and brother mention times that Josh has promised them things and not delivered. “Don’t trust his word.” 

Mack feels bad so she decides to allow the kids to join her in screaming into a pillow to get their frustration out. 

A few days later, Briana and Stella drive over to Mack’s area of Florida. They arrive at Mackenzie’s cheer gym, where Stella and Jaxie meet up to play, and Bri sits down to talk to Mack about getting them damn tubes tied! 

Bri gives Mack an update: Roxy’s off the smack, while Devoin and Luis have both basically dipped out and left Bri to raise the kids alone.

“Things are pretty good!” Briana says.

Mackenzie tells Briana that she does regret tying her tubes, and that she never expected to meet a great partner who didn’t cuss her out and just randomly spit all the time. Soon, they manage to change the subject to— ONCE AGAIN!— poor Gannon’s “sex life.” Mack tells Bri that she “hopes” her 13-year-old son isn’t having sex but she’s not sure. She even tells Briana that Gannon was talking about b**w jobs with his friends.

“Like my heart fell outta my butt!” Mack says. 

Later, everyone goes to Mackenzie’s house, where Mack tells Bri about what a deadbeat Josh has turned out to be. Briana— an expert on the deadbeat baby daddy species— tells Mack not to waste her time trying to get Josh to be in his kids’ lives against his will. She encourages Mackenzie to go to a lawyer, though, to see what her options are to get full custody. 

Next, we go back to Tennessee, where Bentley informs us that he’s passed his driving test! He heads off to school on his own, and Maci and Taylor (not Swift) reflect on all the things they’ve done to mold him into the good man that he is. 

Later, Maci runs down some rules for Bentley, advising him to never to get behind the wheel when he’s “tired.” 

We go back to Las Vegas, where Ashley is preparing to attend a “hypno-therapy” session. She meets with the hypnotherapist, who I swear was Jenelle’s lawyer at some point in this stupid series. 

She tells him that she wants to be calmer and Hypno-Guy gets right to work, spewing out his hypno-lingual as Ashley relaxes in the “hypnosis chair” (which looks strikingly similar to Gary‘s recliner.) 

Hypno-Guy is really putting his $34.99 professional button-up shirt from Kohls to the test. He’s making exaggerated arm movements and hilarious faces as he attempts to hypnotize Ashley into being less-stressed about her ex (and his four eyebrows) coming after her. 

Ashley doesn’t look less stressed, but she does look like she’s trying her best not to burst out laughing at Hypno-Guy. 

Ashley’s de-stress doesn’t last long. That night, she gets an email from her nursing school dean telling her that she can’t start school again until the next semester starts in four months, and even then, it’s possible she won’t get back in. She’s super-stressed once again.

Poor Hypno-Guy sweated through the pits of his purple dress shirt for nothing!

Ashley decides to meet up with her friend for dinner to talk about her options. They go to a Thai restaurant and Ashley’s friend looks really excited to be there. Like, really excited.

Soon, the friend is full of free appetizers… and phrases that sound like they came straight out of a fortune cookie.

“When times get tough, we get tougher,” she tells Ashley, adding that they’re “Lemons to lemonading right now.” 

Ok.

Ashley vows to be productive in the four months she has to wait to go to school.

Back in Florida, Nova and Roxy have returned from the T-Swift concert.

“I think I’m a Swifty after 50!” Roxanne declares.

A few days later, Briana calls T-Rox and her sister Brittany over to discuss the possibility of having her tubes tied. 

“I just need to wipe out any possibility of me having another baby with somebody like Luis or Devoin,” Briana tells them. “Three baby daddies? No, not me.

“Once is a mistake and three times is a pattern and that’s just not going to be me,” she adds. 

Despite the fact that Briana is (for once!) making a responsible, sensible choice regarding her habit of getting knocked up, Roxy is not down with Bri closing down the Oopsie Baby Slip ‘n’ Slide. Roxanne tells Briana that “no doctor in his right mind” would ever close up shop on a 30-year-old woman, even if she already has two kids.

Briana insists that she will find a doctor to do the procedure. She also shoots down Roxy’s suggestion that she get on birth control. She insists that she’s not having sex with any random producers or any of Kail’s exes but still wants to protect herself from getting knocked up again.

While Roxy isn’t supportive, Brittany is all for Bri tying her tubes, if that’s what her sister wants.

“No is a complete sentence, and it’s your body, your choice!” she declares.

Roxanne insists that Briana will regret it if she gets her tubes tied, but Briana seems pretty set on having the procedure. 

“You still haven’t found a stable relationship,” Roxy insists.

“But what does that have to do with having a baby?” Bri asks.

And, that— RIGHT THERE— is all you need to know about the ‘Teen Mom’ franchise, folks. There’s never a need to have a stable relationship before having a baby.

Roxanne insists that if and when Briana meets that special somebody (whether it be at ‘da club’ or not), they will want to “procreate” together. 

Briana argues that, when she had Nova, she was so young that she didn’t always put her full attention on her kid. If she had a baby at 30, that baby would get to have a better version of Bri than Nova did, something she would feel guilty about. 

“In order to give Nova and Stella everything, I have to make sure that I don’t let what happened twice happen one more time,” Bri says. “I don’t want to continue to create these broken homes.” 

This may be the smartest thing we’ve ever heard Briana say (other than when she booted Javi from her life and told him to go be with the girl he had who was ready to move to Delaware.) 

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter!’ To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)