It’s been a few weeks since The Ashley has checked in with MTV’s favorite cash cows, errr, I mean Teen Moms, so she decided it’s about time for a Teen Mom 2 recap!
This week, the episode starts with Jenelle, who’s struggling to get along with her live-in boyfriend of the month, Josh. (He’s just so immature… he’s constantly getting in fights, failing drug tests and getting arrested….oh wait, that’s Jenelle.) In fact, things have gotten so bad between the lovers that Jenelle was recently forced to throw all of her hair feathers, Ke$ha CDs and other assorted crap into a bunch of laundry baskets and move out.
She calls up her trusty friend Amber to inform her that she has broken up with Josh and will need someone to mooch off of for awhile. Amber reluctantly agrees to let her move in, and Jenelle reassures her that it will just be until she “gets her life together.” Um…looks like you’re going to have Jenelle as a house guest for the next 30 years or so, Amber, if you’ve got to wait for her to get her train wreck of a life sorted out!
Luckily, Amber has some extra room in her double-wide, now that her husband (who could forget him, in all his pink shirted glory, from last season?!) has hit the bricks and left Amber alone with their baby, whose name is something like Brandaleey. Jenelle and all of her crap arrive at Amber’s trailer and Amber tells her that she’s always welcome to crash on her filthy couch, as usual.
I’m going to assume that the standard operating procedure at Amber’s pad is B.Y.O.R, or in case you’re not familiar with the term, Bring Your Own Rid. (Lice aren’t going to go away on their own, y’all!)
Anyway, Amber is fixin’ to get herself and Brandedlee a bigger trailer and Jenelle gets the brilliant idea to get the whole gang together–her, Amber, Brantidleey, Jace and the couch lice–and get a big house for them all to live in! Amber thinks this is a great idea, and the girls decide to go house-hunting the next day. Jenelle says that this living arrangement will look good to the courts, too, because Jace will be living with another mother. (It’ll be just like Sister Wives, except with parole hearings and no man.)
Jenelle says it will be good for Jace to have two responsible people living in the house with him. Um, by my count, I only see one responsible person within this motley crew…and that’s Brantedly.
Meanwhile Kail has arrived back home to Pennsylvania after her trip to see her family in Texas. Her pal Gigi comes to visit, and Kail regales her of the great time she had in Texas. In fact, she had such a good time that she’s considering moving down there. Gigi brings up the fact that Jo might not be so keen on having his son move halfway across the country with Kail.
Kail doesn’t seem all that worried. She tells her friend that because Jo is a rap star now, he will surely be going on tour soon and won’t be seeing Isaac all that much anyway. (Seriously, I bet it took her like five takes to say that with a straight face!) Even though Jo’s an international rap superstar now, there’s no guarantee he’ll be able to find room for Isaac on his private jet, what with P Diddy, Jay Z and the rest of the gang on board.
Over in West Virginia, Leah and Jeremy go to a restaurant, which, I sh*t you not, is called Hoegarden, I’m 90 percent sure of it. Leah informs Jeremy that he has nothing to worry about and that she has no plans to get back together with Corey. Although she considered it, she is happy with Jeremy and has no interest in doing the horizontal mambo with her ex-husband. Of course, Jeremy’s relieved to hear this.
Corey, however, is not so happy that Leah has seemingly chosen Jeremy over him. He calls up his pal, Austin (who is the perfect mix of Corey and Adam. Seriously, I think he’s their lovechild. He even has on a Corey-esque camo hat!) who comes over to help Corey sort out his feelings. Of course, this requires Austin to be on camera, which doesn’t go so well. He’s fidgeting and stuttering all over the place, and it’s clear that he was not cut out for “the Hollywood lifestyle.”
Over in South Dakota, Chelsea is still making us listen to her drone on and on about her stupid GED practice tests. For the love of Barbara, girl, please stop “practicing” and just go take your damn test. It’s getting to the point where I’d rather watch Kieffer pick the layers of lint out of his crusty belly button rather than watch Chelsea’s segments, because this is all she talks about, other than Adam, of course.
However, Chelsea tells us that it’s hard for her to pass her test because her “brain is slow…on math.” (Good thing it’s just math that your brain is “slow” on, huh, Chels?) Chelsea gives her brain a rest and goes to let her two dogs, Darla and Frankie, out to go to the bathroom. Frankie makes a mad dash for the neighbor’s yard (I guess he’s tired of hearing all this GED crap, too?)
Chelsea’s having a hard time snagging Frankie, who keeps running away from her. Suddenly they start to play that terrible horror movie music and we know something bad is about to happen. We hear Chelsea scream and then it dramatically cuts to a commercial break. When it comes back on, we hear Chelsea on the phone with her father, frantically describing how poor Frankie was attacked by the neighbor’s dog.
The Ashley is certainly not the emotional type; however, as soon as she heard Chelsea describing how Frankie’s collar was covered in blood, she had to fast forward. As someone who will likely never reproduce a human child (who would trust The Ashley with another human life?!) my dog is my human baby, so it was just too hard for me to watch.
Over in Pennsylvania, Kail is heading to Jo’s house to float the idea of her and Isaac moving to Texas. Instead, Jo is the one that drops the bomb on Kail, letting her know that her crackpot mom, Smirnoff Suzi, crawled out from whatever barstool she was passed out under for the last few months and paid Jo and Isaac a visit while Kail was away. Jo said Suzi claimed to be looking at houses in his development, but we all know that is Suzi-speak for “looking for discarded liquor bottles with a few drops still left in them in the development’s dumpsters.”
Kail’s pissed that Jo let Suzi see Isaac, but Jo says he didn’t want to get in the middle of the trouble, which angers Kail even more. Later, Kail and her pal Mark (the black Gary Shirley) go for pizza, and Kail vents about how crappy it was of her mom to just show up uninvited. Mark suggests that Kail use his phone to call her mom. As soon as Suzi answers the call, she hangs up on Kail. She calls her right back, and this time Suzi is able to put the bottle down long enough to slur out a few sentences to her daughter before hanging up on Kail again.
Kail starts to cry, and Mark starts to look really uncomfortable. He doesn’t say much, but offers the occasional sympathetic head nod, like most guys do when they don’t know how to deal with an emotional female.
Meanwhile, Jenelle is meeting up with Barbara and Jace at the docks (I guess all of the parks were in use that day?) to inform her mom that she is no longer with Josh. (I guess Babs will have to cancel that pool paaaart-ay they were planning for next month!) Babs nervously asks where Jenelle is planning to move now that she’s no longer shacking up with Josh. You can just see it on her face that she’s totally thinking, “Please not my house. Anywhere but my house. Come on God, you owe me!”
She’s relieved to learn that Jenelle will be moving in with Amber and not taking up residence at Casa de Babs. She even offers to help Jenelle move all of her stuff–again–into her new place. Seriously, Jenelle should just put everything she owns on wheels so that she can just scoot it from one craphole to the next. It just makes sense.
The next day, Jenelle and Amber go house-hunting. Unfortunately, Jenelle had to miss class in order to go. It’s too bad she had to go at that exact moment, and there was no other possible time that she could go when she didn’t have class…oh wait.
They head over to the first house, and while it looks decent, Jenelle starts using terms like “homey” and “character” to describe it, which we know is the housing market’s equivalent of saying a girl has “a nice personality.” Still, the girls decide to get the house. I’m sure Jenelle and her trashpit friends will turn that place into a dump in less than 48 hours, so I guess it really doesn’t matter anyway.
In West Virginia, Jeremy and Leah take the twins to a fancy restaurant for dinner. (You know it’s fancy when they have those weird portraits of creepy old people hanging all over the walls…and a salad bar. I’ll bet this beats Corey’s idea of a big night out at the Steak ‘n’ Shake, huh, Leah?)
Leah mentions that she is ready to leave her trailer behind and get a bigger house, while the twins scream loudly at the dinner table. Jeremy seems keen on the idea, and later, she and her mom and the girls go to look for a house. The landlord, who, at first look I thought was Jeremy, shows them the house. Though he tells Leah that he’d like to rent the house to her, he mutters under his breath, “Your kids are running wild!” I’m not making this up, he actually said that!
In the end, he agrees to rent to Leah because, hey, we’re in a recession and at least he knows she has a job, given all the TV cameras following her around. Later, Leah talks to Jeremy, who tells her he’d like to live with her and the girls. Leah’s thrilled and seems to have made the right decision not to hop back into Corey’s camo-colored saddle, if you know what I mean.
Speaking of houses, Jenelle is also movin’ on up (thanks to her MTV paycheck) and has invited Barbara and Jace over to check out her new digs. Babs, who’s just precious this whole episode, announces her arrival with, “Knock, knock! It’s ya motha!” before barging in. Later, Babs and Mike help unload all of Jenelle’s “furnitura” and get her settled in. The next day, Jenelle announces that she’s going to “unenroll” from school because her life is just too stressful right now, what with all the stuff she has to do like unpacking, taking care of her son and working.
Babs is none too happy to hear that her daughter is quitting yet another thing (that isn’t pot, or getting arrested) but takes the news like a champ.
Meanwhile, Chelsea’s still struggling to get over the death of Frankie the Dog. Still, she has that gosh darn GED practice test to contend with, and now, a headache to boot. Wait, a headache? Well, we’re going to need to reschedule this test for another week or two. (No, seriously, this happened.) She ends up eventually taking the test, and passing, with the bare minimum score of 500.
Kail, meanwhile, meets up with Jo to talk about her moving to Texas. (I guess he found time out of his busy touring schedule to chat with her.) Jo is not thrilled with the idea, and lets her know that he’s not OK with the plan whosoever.
Next week, we’ll have more moving fun as Leah and Chelsea both get new places to live. (Don’t these people have leases?!) Plus, Kail will meet a new boo and Jenelle’s picture-perfect living situation with Amber and Brandetely crumbles.
To read another recap from this season of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here.